I have been feeling depressed lately and I think I know why. There's so much going on in my life that I have no control over and I don't feel that I have anybody to talk to. Casey's really the only person but I'm too intent on being a good listener that I don't feel I can truly unleash my issues.
So I'm writing to you, Stella, because you're closing soon and this will probably be my last post.
After my shift on Tuesday, I don't know if I'll have a job. That's a scary thought for a few reasons. First of all, the next job I get probably won't allow for the amount of flexibility I have enjoyed throughout my tenure at the coffee shop. I have essentially been asked to reapply for my job as Stella will become Ellipsis in late March and the new owners don't know me. Secondly, I will have no source of income for at least a few weeks. This is distressing because I'm in school full time and I can't commit to any kind of solid schedule that I assume most jobs will ask of me.
My dad has been paying for my school and helping with my rent and living expenses, but he recently broke a few pieces of his spine and is practically incapacitated. More incapacitated, that is, than he was prior to his injury when his depression, age, and general lack of mobility had left him pretty much secluded in his apartment. I thought I had trouble dealing with that, and now it's even worse. I shouldn't complain about my father because he loves me and works his ass off to try to facilitate the beginning of my adult life. On the other hand, though, our relationship consists of me visiting him in his apartment, occasionally for dinner. He smokes cigarettes and watches biased conservative news programs that make him frustrated with the world. Because the news panders to his preconceived notions of the world, I imagine he watches it to reaffirm his beliefs.
He doesn't seem to understand the correlation between input and output. This is evident in many aspect of his life. He watches news programs that upset him because they point out how poorly run the American government is. Because he agrees with what's being said, he gets frustrated. Because his main source of input about the world is frustrating, he doesn't seem to think he can be happy. Maybe that's an inference I've made heavy-handedly but I don't know how else to explain what I see. Essentially, what he takes in doesn't allow him to get out of his depression.
Another input he doesn't understand is diet. His bones are weak because he doesn't eat a balanced diet, nor does he exercise. Though not substantially, he's overweight. He also lacks vitamin D, and I'm assuming he's deficient of many other vitamins and minerals. He's been eating better lately, but only relatively better. For instance, chicken wings are a staple on his dinner menu. While I personally am opposed to eating meat, I understand that chicken is lean and not necessarily bad for one's health. However, a dinner that solely consists of chicken wings and barbeque or buffalo sauce on a regular basis--while making one feel full--will not properly nourish a person. His malnourishment, thus, is another aid to his thriving depression.
Further, his exercise consists of a few laps around his small studio apartment on a daily basis. Because he's poorly nourished and doesn't exercise, he's weak and tired.
Though he's weak and tired, he can't sleep because of his intake of caffeine, sugar, and cigarettes. This causes him some form of insomnia (or, perhaps more accurately, simply a difficulty with sleeping). He doesn't sleep more than five hours a night but he naps several times a day. Not getting enough sleep contributes to his depression, weakness, and general malaise.
I could probably go on, but that might belabor the point. The point being that I don't know what to do. I can keep him company by stopping by a few times a week and soothing his loneliness, but it's emotionally difficult for me to see my father in this condition. He's not helping himself and that is very frustrating. My trips to his place are taken in hesitation, my visits are lived through anxiously, and my departures leave me deeply saddened and disturbed.
My mother, on the other hand, does everything she can to help herself: her diet is excellent, she practices yoga several times a week, and her life is more than just work. She volunteers as a "Saint," which means she ushers at operas and stage plays in order for free admission. She socializes and has a few good friends, which my father does not do and does no have.
However, her business is not going well. She's struggling financially. She's done a tremendous job in the past of pulling herself out of ruts and achieving financial stability, but that was before her fiancee died. While she's still a very strong person, she has been through (and is still dealing with) profoundly devastating circumstances.
I have a girlfriend and we don't know how to communicate. Neither of us have been happy for some time now and it can't go on. While cognitively or intellectually I feel that I should try to fix things, I don't see that as an option. I feel that there's some unrecognizable energy between two people when they are able to communicate well. I don't think it is something that can be faked, nor do I think it's a light switch that can be turned on in a situation such as this.
Creatively, my output this semester has been sub-par, particularly by my own standards. Prior to last night, I took two or three weeks off of cigarettes, and I still haven't had a cup of coffee in a few weeks. That leaves me feeling physically and emotionally well, but it hampers my creativity, as well as my general production. My grades (mostly in my Shakespeare class) are suffering and will continue to until I can right myself. I don't think that I necessarily need coffee or cigarettes to do well, only that it isn't ideal to make such a drastic change in the middle of a semester.
I don't feel close to my family or friends. This is due in part to the fact that my girlfriend has a job that has her in New York during the week. While that may seem ideal as far as doing well in school and being productive during the week, it means that my weekends are primarily spent with her. I don't blame her, necessarily, but I do blame the circumstances. It makes every weekend feel like there's not enough time and every second should be spent in her presence. While I don't really feel like I should see her so much, I do anyways because it's important to try to keep my girlfriend happy (which I'm failing to do, anyways).
I have tried to make some steps in the right direction. I will continue to try, too. I'm compromising, maybe. Or conforming, if you want to be a dick about it. Like Shooter McGavin said in SLC Punk, "I didn't sell out; I bought in." I think that's what I'm starting to do. I now shower and wash my hair daily with body wash, shampoo, and conditioner. I brush my teeth with toothpaste instead of baking soda and tea tree oil. I try to shave every other day so as not to look unkempt. I make sure my clothes aren't worn too often because there's a possibility that they're dirtier than I may think. I've been trying to exercise a few times a week, even if it's a simple routine of push-ups and leg-lifts and other exercises that can be done in my living room. I meant to go on a run yesterday--which would have been my second in two weeks--but the snow scared me off. I haven't been drinking much lately, but I have been trying to go out enough to keep my friends interested in me. I've been trying to keep my room and apartment clean so I don't feel like I'm living in a dumpster.
Soon I may become a social omnivore because I'm starting to see that it can be very isolating to impose my vegan diet on other people's events. Also, without much money, I shouldn't be as picky about what I eat. If there's free pizza after an event at school, I should eat it and socialize instead of going home.
This is all very difficult for me, though. I don't feel that I can talk to my family because they have issues of their own, probably exponentially more troublesome than my own. My friends like to congregate to celebrate the good instead of dwelling on the bad. They provide a good escape but that isn't always enough. Occasionally I'm tempted to call someone I haven't spoken to in a while, but that's not a good idea because if it's a friend then it's not fair that I call out of the blue to drop all my feelings on them.
I don't know what I should do, but it did help to write all of this out. Unfortunately, doing so only provides a brief respite from my sorrow instead of any solution.
Goodnight, Stella.
