Friday, June 29, 2012
Post title
I feel all cooped up, probably because I haven't been riding my bike over the past two days-- yesterday I was late for work so I had to drive and today is a hundred degrees of heat and after work is a Council meeting.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I'm Never Lonesome When I'm By Myself
My heart and soul have packed their bags and moved to Montreal while my head is agitated, my nerves are frayed, and my mind is torn. Residue from September is to blame for the state of my brain while an anonymous letter left in Stella is responsible for the province where my heart and soul presently reside. As the wiring upstairs is still essentially illiterate to the workings of French, and my financial statement still fits on a one-ply index card, my physical presence will remain in the biggest city in the most middle western part of this country that has nothing left to offer me.
My circumstances are reminiscent of that scandal in Bohemia, though not all the details align cleanly.
This is why I don't take relationships very seriously. Just kidding-- nothing so complex has such a simple answer.
By the way, I'm still learning and figuring out what exactly I'm looking for. Last night, my mother divulged some details that, it seems, I am now old enough to comprehend. Things that attempt to answer for my existence, for instance, and other things that have the potential to teach me how to avoid making such mistakes in my own life.
I need to grow. That's it. And I need to keep moving. This particular part of this particular country is not a very good environment for me. Maybe it's everywhere that kids my age are preoccupied with drinking, but there have to other people like me. I mean, drinking is fun, but I've been there. I know what happens when I drink too much or just enough and I no longer find it fascinating. Furthermore, I'm not into distinguishing the subtleties between beers because I find it all excruciatingly boring and irrelevant.
Summer school starts on Friday and I couldn't be more excited.
What else..?
Immediate To Do list:
-Keep Saving (though my savings are, currently, pretty minimal).
-Keep reducing consumption of everything (except food). Biking instead of driving is definitely a good step, as is not smoking and drinking minimally. Reading the books I have should also go a long way instead of buying new books. I also have a library card that should start seeing some use. Drinking lots of water and buying oatmeal in bulk are also good steps.
-Learn French: to avoid allowing this current infatuation (which has, as of last night, begun creeping into my nightly dreams) to fall by the wayside, I need to be active; I will start watching French films, reading Candide in Voltaire's own words, learning Morphee by Moxy Fruvous, and, by the time Hnak gets back from Wyoming, start trying to hold conversations with him.
-Explore other college options (particularly in Montreal).
Eventual To-Do List:
-Sell my car: I'll need the money if I'm ever going to leave the country. Also, I shouldn't be spending money on gas and city stickers, and my dad shouldn't be paying for my insurance anymore.
-Sell more records: they'll lose value with the neglect I reserve especially for them. They're currently sitting in Emma and Casey's apartment, which is probably very, very hot.
To make this even more of an amalgamation of random thoughts, here are more:
Recently I've read:
After Dachau by Daniel Quinn - "No one cares."-- Danny would like this ending as it leaves the reader to take and apply the ideas without misleading said reader to think it will have any impact on the world. Good way for Mr. Quinn to cover his tracks.
The Life of Pi by Yann Martel - Pi told Richard Parker (the tiger) that one of the first things he would eat upon safely reaching shore would be Coconut Yam Kootu. Erika and I attempted that dish last night and it didn't turn out well. Without a food processor it wasn't possible to add about half of the recommended spices. Also, we used tapioca instead of plantains.
The Sunset Limited by Cormac McCarthy - Seems to have been adapted word-for-word by Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L. Jackson. This play reaffirms lots of beliefs that I am currently trying to rise above. I credit Viktor E. Frankl for allowing me to take this dialogue with a proverbial grain of thought and without applying such hopelessness and meaninglessness to my own life.
Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. - This book was entertaining. I'm waiting for the movie to come in the mail more as a formality than an expression of the enthusiasm I had while reading the book. Vonnegut is humorous but I may have appreciated this more as a teenager.
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl.
My circumstances are reminiscent of that scandal in Bohemia, though not all the details align cleanly.
This is why I don't take relationships very seriously. Just kidding-- nothing so complex has such a simple answer.
By the way, I'm still learning and figuring out what exactly I'm looking for. Last night, my mother divulged some details that, it seems, I am now old enough to comprehend. Things that attempt to answer for my existence, for instance, and other things that have the potential to teach me how to avoid making such mistakes in my own life.
I need to grow. That's it. And I need to keep moving. This particular part of this particular country is not a very good environment for me. Maybe it's everywhere that kids my age are preoccupied with drinking, but there have to other people like me. I mean, drinking is fun, but I've been there. I know what happens when I drink too much or just enough and I no longer find it fascinating. Furthermore, I'm not into distinguishing the subtleties between beers because I find it all excruciatingly boring and irrelevant.
Summer school starts on Friday and I couldn't be more excited.
What else..?
Immediate To Do list:
-Keep Saving (though my savings are, currently, pretty minimal).
-Keep reducing consumption of everything (except food). Biking instead of driving is definitely a good step, as is not smoking and drinking minimally. Reading the books I have should also go a long way instead of buying new books. I also have a library card that should start seeing some use. Drinking lots of water and buying oatmeal in bulk are also good steps.
-Learn French: to avoid allowing this current infatuation (which has, as of last night, begun creeping into my nightly dreams) to fall by the wayside, I need to be active; I will start watching French films, reading Candide in Voltaire's own words, learning Morphee by Moxy Fruvous, and, by the time Hnak gets back from Wyoming, start trying to hold conversations with him.
-Explore other college options (particularly in Montreal).
Eventual To-Do List:
-Sell my car: I'll need the money if I'm ever going to leave the country. Also, I shouldn't be spending money on gas and city stickers, and my dad shouldn't be paying for my insurance anymore.
-Sell more records: they'll lose value with the neglect I reserve especially for them. They're currently sitting in Emma and Casey's apartment, which is probably very, very hot.
To make this even more of an amalgamation of random thoughts, here are more:
Recently I've read:
After Dachau by Daniel Quinn - "No one cares."-- Danny would like this ending as it leaves the reader to take and apply the ideas without misleading said reader to think it will have any impact on the world. Good way for Mr. Quinn to cover his tracks.
The Life of Pi by Yann Martel - Pi told Richard Parker (the tiger) that one of the first things he would eat upon safely reaching shore would be Coconut Yam Kootu. Erika and I attempted that dish last night and it didn't turn out well. Without a food processor it wasn't possible to add about half of the recommended spices. Also, we used tapioca instead of plantains.
The Sunset Limited by Cormac McCarthy - Seems to have been adapted word-for-word by Tommy Lee Jones and Samuel L. Jackson. This play reaffirms lots of beliefs that I am currently trying to rise above. I credit Viktor E. Frankl for allowing me to take this dialogue with a proverbial grain of thought and without applying such hopelessness and meaninglessness to my own life.
Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. - This book was entertaining. I'm waiting for the movie to come in the mail more as a formality than an expression of the enthusiasm I had while reading the book. Vonnegut is humorous but I may have appreciated this more as a teenager.
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Your Little Ampersand
Last night I wrote a poem about sitting in a coffee shop that doesn't exist. It was brief, I don't like the ending, and writing it took the last of my pen's ink. Until I get a new one, I will be writing here.
Tonight is an abbreviated meeting with The Council because Kevin got a job and has work early tomorrow morning, and I'm going to see the Avengers at midnight with Dick, Steve Ryan, and Danny Cao. I'm especially excited to see the new trailer for the Dark Knight Rises, which is a terrible way to justify spending $11 on a movie.
Tomorrow is some kind of a poetry reading over at Stella. I may attend, unless I decide to play basketball with Dave or watch the Bulls game. Saturday will probably consist of watching a Serbian movie (which Ian described to Kevin with a word that I don't remember, other than that it was synonymous with "traumatizing"... Actually, maybe it was "traumatizing")
I've been pretty out-of-it all day today and I'm not sure why. It could be the heat and the humidity that should be washed away by a storm tonight. Or maybe because I didn't feed my body soon enough after exercising this morning (there was a good two hour window). I could have contracted a cold from Will, who always seems to be sick.
What else do people talk about? Uh... kiwi skins, those are tasty. Oh, I washed my face with coffee grounds this morning and it was refreshing. Basically, I took moist, used grounds and put them on my face and let it stay there for about 15 minutes. I looked like a monster, or a 24 year old with a face covered in coffee grounds. What else? It's been about a week and a half since I've washed my hair. That's nothing compared to the three months I did before I got my haircut. Well, actually before Erika wanted to say she was the one who washed it, so she did the day before I had it cut.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like that line is on every page of writing I've ever written. There are constant reminders, though. Like now: I want to do this two week intensive creative writing program at Northeastern over the summer... for what? I'm not the least creative person I know, but I'm not far above run-of-the-mill. So what's the point? Well, to answer my own question, I'd say the point is to do something that I like. Kevin told me to get a finance degree so I can make some money. Hell no. I'll use that definitive answer as motivation against walking down a ridiculous career path that will insure my bank account and allow me to buy a few cool things while I hate my life.
I should try to bring things into focus, though. Like, will I ever be a musician? Playing with other people has taught me a few things: I'm better at creating when I'm by myself; I'm much lazier when I'm by myself; playing music is fun. The first two cancel each other out, leaving a self-indulgent, self-gratifying denominator. Writing comes much more naturally because it can only be done alone. The problem is that I feel the most comfortable writing at night, which is in direct conflict with having a girlfriend. As I spend lots of nights with her, my nights alone are spent trying to do as much as possible that I'd normally miss out on. I suppose the only remedy is to learn how to enjoy writing at, say 8 at night. Or at 2 in the afternoon. Or 9 in the morning.
I think people are only supposed to love once per lifetime. Unless there's a trick to evicting these memories from my head.
Tonight is an abbreviated meeting with The Council because Kevin got a job and has work early tomorrow morning, and I'm going to see the Avengers at midnight with Dick, Steve Ryan, and Danny Cao. I'm especially excited to see the new trailer for the Dark Knight Rises, which is a terrible way to justify spending $11 on a movie.
Tomorrow is some kind of a poetry reading over at Stella. I may attend, unless I decide to play basketball with Dave or watch the Bulls game. Saturday will probably consist of watching a Serbian movie (which Ian described to Kevin with a word that I don't remember, other than that it was synonymous with "traumatizing"... Actually, maybe it was "traumatizing")
I've been pretty out-of-it all day today and I'm not sure why. It could be the heat and the humidity that should be washed away by a storm tonight. Or maybe because I didn't feed my body soon enough after exercising this morning (there was a good two hour window). I could have contracted a cold from Will, who always seems to be sick.
What else do people talk about? Uh... kiwi skins, those are tasty. Oh, I washed my face with coffee grounds this morning and it was refreshing. Basically, I took moist, used grounds and put them on my face and let it stay there for about 15 minutes. I looked like a monster, or a 24 year old with a face covered in coffee grounds. What else? It's been about a week and a half since I've washed my hair. That's nothing compared to the three months I did before I got my haircut. Well, actually before Erika wanted to say she was the one who washed it, so she did the day before I had it cut.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I feel like that line is on every page of writing I've ever written. There are constant reminders, though. Like now: I want to do this two week intensive creative writing program at Northeastern over the summer... for what? I'm not the least creative person I know, but I'm not far above run-of-the-mill. So what's the point? Well, to answer my own question, I'd say the point is to do something that I like. Kevin told me to get a finance degree so I can make some money. Hell no. I'll use that definitive answer as motivation against walking down a ridiculous career path that will insure my bank account and allow me to buy a few cool things while I hate my life.
I should try to bring things into focus, though. Like, will I ever be a musician? Playing with other people has taught me a few things: I'm better at creating when I'm by myself; I'm much lazier when I'm by myself; playing music is fun. The first two cancel each other out, leaving a self-indulgent, self-gratifying denominator. Writing comes much more naturally because it can only be done alone. The problem is that I feel the most comfortable writing at night, which is in direct conflict with having a girlfriend. As I spend lots of nights with her, my nights alone are spent trying to do as much as possible that I'd normally miss out on. I suppose the only remedy is to learn how to enjoy writing at, say 8 at night. Or at 2 in the afternoon. Or 9 in the morning.
I think people are only supposed to love once per lifetime. Unless there's a trick to evicting these memories from my head.
This is the Dance of the Doomed
This may be the summer of my discontent.
I may have jumped the gun a little over a month ago, or maybe it was on Valentine's day, when I tried to assign meaning to something I could never get along with. You might say that my current circumstances are jumping the shark. Maybe.
For the first time in my life, I have received an anonymous letter. "Love" may be the topic, but I'm open to it being a hoax. I very well could be falling for some elaborate joke, probably performed out of malice if my considered-suspect is correct.
Or maybe it's real.
Regardless, it's taken my mind and my head to places I didn't mean to go. It's made me re-open past files of relationships that had dissolved from my recent memory.
See, back when I was about 19, I told myself she would be the last I chased... I have better things to do than waste my time worrying over girls I won't marry. And one day I decided I wouldn't get married after all, so that could be where I back-tracked. But the previous sentence is a bit off-topic. I had that girl figured out, in refreshing way that would not have quickly worn off its novelty (redo this sentence, it sucks). But one day, not so out of the blue, so to say, she wrote me telling of another she had gone for, someone who didn't appreciate her for who she was, but that she didn't deserve someone who did appreciate who she was because she didn't ask for that person, nor did she strive to maintain the company of that person (this sentence also sucks). The point is, she went for someone who didn't "get" her and she did it because that was the compensation she felt she earned from life. Is this what I'm doing? Have I not held out for a girl who would show me her favorite poem because I'd rather be with the kind of girl who offers an easy out(in the sense that there are no deep emotional ties, so what will hurt?)?
I've met that girl; I've met the one with real interests and a growing brain and standards of living that aren't lost in the living room. I've met plenty of girls who care about me, because that's easy. If I like someone and hang out with them enough, I'll care about them. Affection tends to be reciprocated when it's displayed properly. But what about that girl who "gets me"? Does she exist? Because part of "getting me" is being able to hang out with my friends, and understanding my I like the shitty music I listen to so much. And those bases aren't hard to cover, but it gets more complicated when other elements are thrown in, like literacy and healthy living, and knowing that I'm mostly lazy when I'm unhappy. And knowing why I sleep so much.
Here's what gets me the most: I was uncharacteristically happy last summer-- I was hanging out with friends, exercising, meeting pretty ladies but not tying myself down; I was reading and writing and drinking and eating and sleeping-- I was living my ideal life. Now? Tied down, wasting my days watching bullshit television and sleeping in late, drinking my nights away and living too timid to touch my guitar or tap into the vast abyss that lives inside of my head. I'm becoming a hollow human being and I'm afraid it's because I came back to Chicago. And because I had to drift with the tide and be an accomplice to "fate," which is what happens when you don't take control of things that are capable of being manipulated.
So now I'm stuck daydreaming about a girl that may be a fictitious persona of a bitter acquaintance. And I'm wondering why I didn't wait for her in the first place if I was so happy by my lonesome. And why I came back to Chicago when I was about to reach the tipping point in Denver. And why don't I write every day if it's the only thing I'm comfortable doing? And why do I date a girl with absolutely no interest in literature and grammar and pairing my personality with a poem? And why am I using this girl to rehash a past that was fun while it lasted but couldn't go on? And is it worth the physical pain to commemorate another interpretation of my awkward indecisiveness with a needle that pokes my ribs over a hundred times per second? Is anything worth it? Can't I just revert back to my mindset of "do whatever makes sense" without worrying about people's feelings? Am I that worried about being hated when I have a long enough list of people who currently do hate me?
I may have jumped the gun a little over a month ago, or maybe it was on Valentine's day, when I tried to assign meaning to something I could never get along with. You might say that my current circumstances are jumping the shark. Maybe.
For the first time in my life, I have received an anonymous letter. "Love" may be the topic, but I'm open to it being a hoax. I very well could be falling for some elaborate joke, probably performed out of malice if my considered-suspect is correct.
Or maybe it's real.
Regardless, it's taken my mind and my head to places I didn't mean to go. It's made me re-open past files of relationships that had dissolved from my recent memory.
See, back when I was about 19, I told myself she would be the last I chased... I have better things to do than waste my time worrying over girls I won't marry. And one day I decided I wouldn't get married after all, so that could be where I back-tracked. But the previous sentence is a bit off-topic. I had that girl figured out, in refreshing way that would not have quickly worn off its novelty (redo this sentence, it sucks). But one day, not so out of the blue, so to say, she wrote me telling of another she had gone for, someone who didn't appreciate her for who she was, but that she didn't deserve someone who did appreciate who she was because she didn't ask for that person, nor did she strive to maintain the company of that person (this sentence also sucks). The point is, she went for someone who didn't "get" her and she did it because that was the compensation she felt she earned from life. Is this what I'm doing? Have I not held out for a girl who would show me her favorite poem because I'd rather be with the kind of girl who offers an easy out(in the sense that there are no deep emotional ties, so what will hurt?)?
I've met that girl; I've met the one with real interests and a growing brain and standards of living that aren't lost in the living room. I've met plenty of girls who care about me, because that's easy. If I like someone and hang out with them enough, I'll care about them. Affection tends to be reciprocated when it's displayed properly. But what about that girl who "gets me"? Does she exist? Because part of "getting me" is being able to hang out with my friends, and understanding my I like the shitty music I listen to so much. And those bases aren't hard to cover, but it gets more complicated when other elements are thrown in, like literacy and healthy living, and knowing that I'm mostly lazy when I'm unhappy. And knowing why I sleep so much.
Here's what gets me the most: I was uncharacteristically happy last summer-- I was hanging out with friends, exercising, meeting pretty ladies but not tying myself down; I was reading and writing and drinking and eating and sleeping-- I was living my ideal life. Now? Tied down, wasting my days watching bullshit television and sleeping in late, drinking my nights away and living too timid to touch my guitar or tap into the vast abyss that lives inside of my head. I'm becoming a hollow human being and I'm afraid it's because I came back to Chicago. And because I had to drift with the tide and be an accomplice to "fate," which is what happens when you don't take control of things that are capable of being manipulated.
So now I'm stuck daydreaming about a girl that may be a fictitious persona of a bitter acquaintance. And I'm wondering why I didn't wait for her in the first place if I was so happy by my lonesome. And why I came back to Chicago when I was about to reach the tipping point in Denver. And why don't I write every day if it's the only thing I'm comfortable doing? And why do I date a girl with absolutely no interest in literature and grammar and pairing my personality with a poem? And why am I using this girl to rehash a past that was fun while it lasted but couldn't go on? And is it worth the physical pain to commemorate another interpretation of my awkward indecisiveness with a needle that pokes my ribs over a hundred times per second? Is anything worth it? Can't I just revert back to my mindset of "do whatever makes sense" without worrying about people's feelings? Am I that worried about being hated when I have a long enough list of people who currently do hate me?
Monday, March 26, 2012
The Gates
I have three papers due tomorrow afternoon and two of them are almost done. I just drank a red bull and I just want to go to bed. Or there's something brewing inside of me that I told myself wouldn't happen. Isn't that the road I thought I was walking down in the first place, when I kept making those calls and responding to those messages and having her to Denver and moving back to Chicago when I told myself it was for every reason but her.
So it happened. It happened when I was walking home from Starbucks-- I had been there studying with Erika and I felt the pangs then, thinking they were jealousy, so I turned the page in my brain and kept trying to write about the various brutal dictatorships the United States has sponsored in the name of anti-communism. And outside when I kissed her I wanted so much more-- but the mutual taste of cigarettes in our mouths probably put her off. We went back inside, but when we packed up and stood outside I got a little more of what I was looking for. And walking away, the feel on my fingertips as our hug was pulling apart, and then walking home and listening to that potential rock star I met the other day, singing so I'm walking up to your gate today to throw my lonely soul away, 'cause I don't need it you can take it back in my headphones. Yeah, that's when I was sure. See, on the train today I knew it as I was recapping the previous week or two and how I wanted to tell her but didn't want to jump too soon. Like how I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend until it seemed unbearable not to. And she told me in Minnesota and I told her right back, but that moment seemed to fade immediately from our collective consciousness of conversation topics. And now I feel that I have to take this leap, I have to go out on this limb, even if I think her head and heart are on the same page. And if things go wrong or I say the wrong thing or she isn't into how vulnerable I am or if I tire her with my burnt-out and jaded perspective of being alive, well then I'll accept that burden of being broken that I placed on those girls that came along before her.
So it happened. It happened when I was walking home from Starbucks-- I had been there studying with Erika and I felt the pangs then, thinking they were jealousy, so I turned the page in my brain and kept trying to write about the various brutal dictatorships the United States has sponsored in the name of anti-communism. And outside when I kissed her I wanted so much more-- but the mutual taste of cigarettes in our mouths probably put her off. We went back inside, but when we packed up and stood outside I got a little more of what I was looking for. And walking away, the feel on my fingertips as our hug was pulling apart, and then walking home and listening to that potential rock star I met the other day, singing so I'm walking up to your gate today to throw my lonely soul away, 'cause I don't need it you can take it back in my headphones. Yeah, that's when I was sure. See, on the train today I knew it as I was recapping the previous week or two and how I wanted to tell her but didn't want to jump too soon. Like how I didn't ask her to be my girlfriend until it seemed unbearable not to. And she told me in Minnesota and I told her right back, but that moment seemed to fade immediately from our collective consciousness of conversation topics. And now I feel that I have to take this leap, I have to go out on this limb, even if I think her head and heart are on the same page. And if things go wrong or I say the wrong thing or she isn't into how vulnerable I am or if I tire her with my burnt-out and jaded perspective of being alive, well then I'll accept that burden of being broken that I placed on those girls that came along before her.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Salute My Shorts
It's eighty degrees and the frog is finally starting to boil. All we can do now is enjoy the breeze that releases its strength at Devon and Broadway.
The Council meets tomorrow night and I can't help but notice this drinking habit becoming steadier every week. I may have finally broken out of the firm grasp of coffee and into soft caress of tea. It's been about 20 hours since my last cup, with was about four ounces big and three days old.
Andrew Jackson Jihad covered Hybrid Moments on Sunday night. I always enjoy a live rendition of a Misfits song.
Today might include my first trip to Reckless all year. The Menzingers, Andrew Bird, and Lucero are on my short list, which is quite long considering I shouldn't be spending any money. Well, it's not that-- I should be spending money, but on a Line6 M9. I'm tempted to throw that $400 onto an existing credit cards and remaking past mistakes.
What should I be talking about right now? School? Probably. Here it is: school and I still don't get along. There's a ton of books I want to read and none of them are relevant to the classes I'm taking. I have three five page papers to write that are all due a week from today. It's not too daunting of a task, but it will be when Sunday wakes up and my notebook is still crisp and unopened.
Elsie learned how to break out of the house, provided that the doors leading onto the tiny first floor balcony are open. Once in the backyard, she has learned how to operate the latch on the gate sans opposable thumbs.
The Council meets tomorrow night and I can't help but notice this drinking habit becoming steadier every week. I may have finally broken out of the firm grasp of coffee and into soft caress of tea. It's been about 20 hours since my last cup, with was about four ounces big and three days old.
Andrew Jackson Jihad covered Hybrid Moments on Sunday night. I always enjoy a live rendition of a Misfits song.
Today might include my first trip to Reckless all year. The Menzingers, Andrew Bird, and Lucero are on my short list, which is quite long considering I shouldn't be spending any money. Well, it's not that-- I should be spending money, but on a Line6 M9. I'm tempted to throw that $400 onto an existing credit cards and remaking past mistakes.
What should I be talking about right now? School? Probably. Here it is: school and I still don't get along. There's a ton of books I want to read and none of them are relevant to the classes I'm taking. I have three five page papers to write that are all due a week from today. It's not too daunting of a task, but it will be when Sunday wakes up and my notebook is still crisp and unopened.
Elsie learned how to break out of the house, provided that the doors leading onto the tiny first floor balcony are open. Once in the backyard, she has learned how to operate the latch on the gate sans opposable thumbs.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Inventory
It seems I've fucked my head on backwards quite substantially this time.
Huh.
But let's take a minute and sort through some of the positive aspects of this character I've been developing since I first gained consciousness some 21 years ago:
-I maintain a healthy diet, more or less. Sure, lately my nights have ended after a cream soda or two (I just cracked my second can of the night) and four or five cigarettes.
-My smoking is down because I've trained my body not to expect one during an eight hour shift at work.
-I drink one cup of coffee (16 ounces) per day, always on my way to work.
-Every morning I eat breakfast and approximately every other morning begins with a little workout routine that, though not building muscle, maintains the muscle I have and prevents them from going soft.
-Though I feel I could be reading more, I've finished a couple of books since moving out here and I'm in the middle of three more (one of which was started in Chicago and I haven't picked it up since... maybe that one shouldn't be counted).
-With the exception of the past few days, I've arrived at work on time. With no exception, I've done my job to the best of my ability and have always kept open to constructive criticism.
-I've been making successful attempts to socialize with the friends I have out here. Only a fraction of our time is spent in bars and lots of good (but not particularly great, if I'm going to nit-pick) conversation has come of it.
What most of this boils down to is that I'm physically healthy. Let's refer to Maslow's pyramid:
Bottom Layer:
(x) breathing - sure, the smoking and the thin air make it a little more difficult, but I think I've got it down.
(x) food - I'm pretty pampered in this regard, as I tend to drink Kombucha featuring chia seeds with lunch every day. I eat lots of fruits and vegetables, take a multi-vitamin, and have at least three meals per day.
(x) water - I carry a water bottle in my bag and usually have to refill it every morning.
() sex - this one doesn't warrant an x because I don't have a girlfriend and promiscuity has always seemed kind of dirty to me.
(x) sleep - I get 6-8 hours a night, which I think is the recommended dose (according to whoever it is that prescribes amounts of sleep to my particular age range).
(x) homeostasis - I mean, I feel healthy.
(x) excretion - a bathroom is almost always readily available.
Security of...:
(x) body - I trust my body to be stable enough not to give way any time soon.
(x) employment - I have a full-time job that I will lose if I quit.
(x) resources - Everything I need is at my disposal (except for my amp).
(>) morality - That's supposed to be half an x. I try to live off my own moral compass-- well, I do live off my own moral compass-- but the answers to dilemmas I face aren't always clear.
(x) family - Last I heard, my family is in arguably good health. More importantly (for me), though, they're still around and they always answer the phone when I call.
(x) health - check.
() property - I live in my sister's living room. The closest thing to property that I own is my car.
Love/Belonging:
(x) friendship - lots of my friends keep in touch. I'm a person who needs a good nudge occasionally, and they seem to understand that.
(x) family - I love every member of my immediate family. They all serve a different one of my needs and I always feel that I can confide in at least one of them.
(>) sexual intimacy - I don't really know where I stand on this one...
Esteem:
(x) self-esteem - this was really lacking until I started smoking weed. Or until I started drinking, maybe. Both, though, are symbolic of the core of my self-esteem: "fuck it" is a motto I've acquired to beat back my negative esteem.
(x) confidence - it's not confidence I lack, it's motivation. Why do anything? Do I want to contribute any of my efforts to a cause I'm not entirely for (be it the human race, America, whatever company I'm working for).
(x) achievement - all of my achievements are internal. I've yet to run a marathon, graduate from anything above the 8th grade, or write a song. I have gone vegan, quit smoking (numerous times), and learned how to play guitar.
(>) respect of others - I hate everybody that I don't personally know.
(x) respect by others - more or less. I'll give myself a full x because I can't think of a recent circumstance in which I was treated disrespectfully.
Self-Actualization:
(x) morality - I believe in my moral compass
(>) creativity - writing/playing music and writing are my preferred outlets, both of which could use more nurturing.
(x) spontaneity - I moved to Denver for the hell of it. I spent the night in Kansas City at the house of a girl I had met once before. I went vegan nearly overnight. My mind is sufficiently open, yet never open enough.
(>) problem solving - I'm not the most pragmatic person I've ever met, but when faced with a problem I can usually solve it.
(x) lack of prejudice - I get weird thoughts in my head all the time but they're not from my heart. It's strange. For instance, sometimes I become aware that there's one Indian guy in the coffee shop I'm in, and that everyone else is white, and how could he not be aware? But my soul is aware that race, belief, or the color of one's skin means nothing past where one is from, how they interpret the world, and what their family looks like. None of those hold much weight on a person's character and should be disregarded as inconsequential in circumstances that don't contain direct relevance.
(x) acceptance of facts - lots of facts get mangled by bias. I accept neither political nor religious facts. I know that I am alive, I need the bottom layer or Maslow's pyramid to get by, and that I owe the bank more money than I'd like to.
In conclusion, I lack sex and property, and I come up a little short on morality, sexual intimacy, respect of others, creativity, and problem solving. I suppose I have some work to do.
If all goes as planned, here's my future: school, part-time job, no rent.
Don't tell anyone, Chicago, but we may be seeing a lot more of each other come the beginning of 2012.
Now, I don't typically resolve things on New Year's Day because my hangover tends to demand a return to normalcy. Also, it makes more sense to adjust as you go. Here's my shortlist for potential improvements:
-quit smoking - it's always nice to take a break, especially when I can foresee a long span of circumstances under which it will be nearly impossible to step back.
-stop telling people what they want to hear - it's great to be able to sell yourself, but not when you're unsure of what you're getting into. I returned a phone call tonight and was told to say something that I was unsure of. I couldn't say either way so she drew her own conclusion. Maybe that's for the best.
-beat Dave in a 5k - this challenge was voiced nearly three years ago and it still hasn't happened. It's about time.
-make better use of down time at work - I haven't seen a crossword puzzle since Chicago. I don't read or write enough and my brain feels like a dead horse. People stretch and practice before they play sports of perform music-- my brain is no exception: I can't dive into a challenging book without preparing my head beforehand.
Anyways, my initial reason for coming to this page tonight was to say Goodnight. I've said this before but maybe I'll follow through this time. Maybe I'll begin this again when the situation becomes relevant. Maybe come January I'll know what to do.
Huh.
But let's take a minute and sort through some of the positive aspects of this character I've been developing since I first gained consciousness some 21 years ago:
-I maintain a healthy diet, more or less. Sure, lately my nights have ended after a cream soda or two (I just cracked my second can of the night) and four or five cigarettes.
-My smoking is down because I've trained my body not to expect one during an eight hour shift at work.
-I drink one cup of coffee (16 ounces) per day, always on my way to work.
-Every morning I eat breakfast and approximately every other morning begins with a little workout routine that, though not building muscle, maintains the muscle I have and prevents them from going soft.
-Though I feel I could be reading more, I've finished a couple of books since moving out here and I'm in the middle of three more (one of which was started in Chicago and I haven't picked it up since... maybe that one shouldn't be counted).
-With the exception of the past few days, I've arrived at work on time. With no exception, I've done my job to the best of my ability and have always kept open to constructive criticism.
-I've been making successful attempts to socialize with the friends I have out here. Only a fraction of our time is spent in bars and lots of good (but not particularly great, if I'm going to nit-pick) conversation has come of it.
What most of this boils down to is that I'm physically healthy. Let's refer to Maslow's pyramid:
Bottom Layer:
(x) breathing - sure, the smoking and the thin air make it a little more difficult, but I think I've got it down.
(x) food - I'm pretty pampered in this regard, as I tend to drink Kombucha featuring chia seeds with lunch every day. I eat lots of fruits and vegetables, take a multi-vitamin, and have at least three meals per day.
(x) water - I carry a water bottle in my bag and usually have to refill it every morning.
() sex - this one doesn't warrant an x because I don't have a girlfriend and promiscuity has always seemed kind of dirty to me.
(x) sleep - I get 6-8 hours a night, which I think is the recommended dose (according to whoever it is that prescribes amounts of sleep to my particular age range).
(x) homeostasis - I mean, I feel healthy.
(x) excretion - a bathroom is almost always readily available.
Security of...:
(x) body - I trust my body to be stable enough not to give way any time soon.
(x) employment - I have a full-time job that I will lose if I quit.
(x) resources - Everything I need is at my disposal (except for my amp).
(>) morality - That's supposed to be half an x. I try to live off my own moral compass-- well, I do live off my own moral compass-- but the answers to dilemmas I face aren't always clear.
(x) family - Last I heard, my family is in arguably good health. More importantly (for me), though, they're still around and they always answer the phone when I call.
(x) health - check.
() property - I live in my sister's living room. The closest thing to property that I own is my car.
Love/Belonging:
(x) friendship - lots of my friends keep in touch. I'm a person who needs a good nudge occasionally, and they seem to understand that.
(x) family - I love every member of my immediate family. They all serve a different one of my needs and I always feel that I can confide in at least one of them.
(>) sexual intimacy - I don't really know where I stand on this one...
Esteem:
(x) self-esteem - this was really lacking until I started smoking weed. Or until I started drinking, maybe. Both, though, are symbolic of the core of my self-esteem: "fuck it" is a motto I've acquired to beat back my negative esteem.
(x) confidence - it's not confidence I lack, it's motivation. Why do anything? Do I want to contribute any of my efforts to a cause I'm not entirely for (be it the human race, America, whatever company I'm working for).
(x) achievement - all of my achievements are internal. I've yet to run a marathon, graduate from anything above the 8th grade, or write a song. I have gone vegan, quit smoking (numerous times), and learned how to play guitar.
(>) respect of others - I hate everybody that I don't personally know.
(x) respect by others - more or less. I'll give myself a full x because I can't think of a recent circumstance in which I was treated disrespectfully.
Self-Actualization:
(x) morality - I believe in my moral compass
(>) creativity - writing/playing music and writing are my preferred outlets, both of which could use more nurturing.
(x) spontaneity - I moved to Denver for the hell of it. I spent the night in Kansas City at the house of a girl I had met once before. I went vegan nearly overnight. My mind is sufficiently open, yet never open enough.
(>) problem solving - I'm not the most pragmatic person I've ever met, but when faced with a problem I can usually solve it.
(x) lack of prejudice - I get weird thoughts in my head all the time but they're not from my heart. It's strange. For instance, sometimes I become aware that there's one Indian guy in the coffee shop I'm in, and that everyone else is white, and how could he not be aware? But my soul is aware that race, belief, or the color of one's skin means nothing past where one is from, how they interpret the world, and what their family looks like. None of those hold much weight on a person's character and should be disregarded as inconsequential in circumstances that don't contain direct relevance.
(x) acceptance of facts - lots of facts get mangled by bias. I accept neither political nor religious facts. I know that I am alive, I need the bottom layer or Maslow's pyramid to get by, and that I owe the bank more money than I'd like to.
In conclusion, I lack sex and property, and I come up a little short on morality, sexual intimacy, respect of others, creativity, and problem solving. I suppose I have some work to do.
If all goes as planned, here's my future: school, part-time job, no rent.
Don't tell anyone, Chicago, but we may be seeing a lot more of each other come the beginning of 2012.
Now, I don't typically resolve things on New Year's Day because my hangover tends to demand a return to normalcy. Also, it makes more sense to adjust as you go. Here's my shortlist for potential improvements:
-quit smoking - it's always nice to take a break, especially when I can foresee a long span of circumstances under which it will be nearly impossible to step back.
-stop telling people what they want to hear - it's great to be able to sell yourself, but not when you're unsure of what you're getting into. I returned a phone call tonight and was told to say something that I was unsure of. I couldn't say either way so she drew her own conclusion. Maybe that's for the best.
-beat Dave in a 5k - this challenge was voiced nearly three years ago and it still hasn't happened. It's about time.
-make better use of down time at work - I haven't seen a crossword puzzle since Chicago. I don't read or write enough and my brain feels like a dead horse. People stretch and practice before they play sports of perform music-- my brain is no exception: I can't dive into a challenging book without preparing my head beforehand.
Anyways, my initial reason for coming to this page tonight was to say Goodnight. I've said this before but maybe I'll follow through this time. Maybe I'll begin this again when the situation becomes relevant. Maybe come January I'll know what to do.
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