It seems I've fucked my head on backwards quite substantially this time.
Huh.
But let's take a minute and sort through some of the positive aspects of this character I've been developing since I first gained consciousness some 21 years ago:
-I maintain a healthy diet, more or less. Sure, lately my nights have ended after a cream soda or two (I just cracked my second can of the night) and four or five cigarettes.
-My smoking is down because I've trained my body not to expect one during an eight hour shift at work.
-I drink one cup of coffee (16 ounces) per day, always on my way to work.
-Every morning I eat breakfast and approximately every other morning begins with a little workout routine that, though not building muscle, maintains the muscle I have and prevents them from going soft.
-Though I feel I could be reading more, I've finished a couple of books since moving out here and I'm in the middle of three more (one of which was started in Chicago and I haven't picked it up since... maybe that one shouldn't be counted).
-With the exception of the past few days, I've arrived at work on time. With no exception, I've done my job to the best of my ability and have always kept open to constructive criticism.
-I've been making successful attempts to socialize with the friends I have out here. Only a fraction of our time is spent in bars and lots of good (but not particularly great, if I'm going to nit-pick) conversation has come of it.
What most of this boils down to is that I'm physically healthy. Let's refer to Maslow's pyramid:
Bottom Layer:
(x) breathing - sure, the smoking and the thin air make it a little more difficult, but I think I've got it down.
(x) food - I'm pretty pampered in this regard, as I tend to drink Kombucha featuring chia seeds with lunch every day. I eat lots of fruits and vegetables, take a multi-vitamin, and have at least three meals per day.
(x) water - I carry a water bottle in my bag and usually have to refill it every morning.
() sex - this one doesn't warrant an x because I don't have a girlfriend and promiscuity has always seemed kind of dirty to me.
(x) sleep - I get 6-8 hours a night, which I think is the recommended dose (according to whoever it is that prescribes amounts of sleep to my particular age range).
(x) homeostasis - I mean, I feel healthy.
(x) excretion - a bathroom is almost always readily available.
Security of...:
(x) body - I trust my body to be stable enough not to give way any time soon.
(x) employment - I have a full-time job that I will lose if I quit.
(x) resources - Everything I need is at my disposal (except for my amp).
(>) morality - That's supposed to be half an x. I try to live off my own moral compass-- well, I do live off my own moral compass-- but the answers to dilemmas I face aren't always clear.
(x) family - Last I heard, my family is in arguably good health. More importantly (for me), though, they're still around and they always answer the phone when I call.
(x) health - check.
() property - I live in my sister's living room. The closest thing to property that I own is my car.
Love/Belonging:
(x) friendship - lots of my friends keep in touch. I'm a person who needs a good nudge occasionally, and they seem to understand that.
(x) family - I love every member of my immediate family. They all serve a different one of my needs and I always feel that I can confide in at least one of them.
(>) sexual intimacy - I don't really know where I stand on this one...
Esteem:
(x) self-esteem - this was really lacking until I started smoking weed. Or until I started drinking, maybe. Both, though, are symbolic of the core of my self-esteem: "fuck it" is a motto I've acquired to beat back my negative esteem.
(x) confidence - it's not confidence I lack, it's motivation. Why do anything? Do I want to contribute any of my efforts to a cause I'm not entirely for (be it the human race, America, whatever company I'm working for).
(x) achievement - all of my achievements are internal. I've yet to run a marathon, graduate from anything above the 8th grade, or write a song. I have gone vegan, quit smoking (numerous times), and learned how to play guitar.
(>) respect of others - I hate everybody that I don't personally know.
(x) respect by others - more or less. I'll give myself a full x because I can't think of a recent circumstance in which I was treated disrespectfully.
Self-Actualization:
(x) morality - I believe in my moral compass
(>) creativity - writing/playing music and writing are my preferred outlets, both of which could use more nurturing.
(x) spontaneity - I moved to Denver for the hell of it. I spent the night in Kansas City at the house of a girl I had met once before. I went vegan nearly overnight. My mind is sufficiently open, yet never open enough.
(>) problem solving - I'm not the most pragmatic person I've ever met, but when faced with a problem I can usually solve it.
(x) lack of prejudice - I get weird thoughts in my head all the time but they're not from my heart. It's strange. For instance, sometimes I become aware that there's one Indian guy in the coffee shop I'm in, and that everyone else is white, and how could he not be aware? But my soul is aware that race, belief, or the color of one's skin means nothing past where one is from, how they interpret the world, and what their family looks like. None of those hold much weight on a person's character and should be disregarded as inconsequential in circumstances that don't contain direct relevance.
(x) acceptance of facts - lots of facts get mangled by bias. I accept neither political nor religious facts. I know that I am alive, I need the bottom layer or Maslow's pyramid to get by, and that I owe the bank more money than I'd like to.
In conclusion, I lack sex and property, and I come up a little short on morality, sexual intimacy, respect of others, creativity, and problem solving. I suppose I have some work to do.
If all goes as planned, here's my future: school, part-time job, no rent.
Don't tell anyone, Chicago, but we may be seeing a lot more of each other come the beginning of 2012.
Now, I don't typically resolve things on New Year's Day because my hangover tends to demand a return to normalcy. Also, it makes more sense to adjust as you go. Here's my shortlist for potential improvements:
-quit smoking - it's always nice to take a break, especially when I can foresee a long span of circumstances under which it will be nearly impossible to step back.
-stop telling people what they want to hear - it's great to be able to sell yourself, but not when you're unsure of what you're getting into. I returned a phone call tonight and was told to say something that I was unsure of. I couldn't say either way so she drew her own conclusion. Maybe that's for the best.
-beat Dave in a 5k - this challenge was voiced nearly three years ago and it still hasn't happened. It's about time.
-make better use of down time at work - I haven't seen a crossword puzzle since Chicago. I don't read or write enough and my brain feels like a dead horse. People stretch and practice before they play sports of perform music-- my brain is no exception: I can't dive into a challenging book without preparing my head beforehand.
Anyways, my initial reason for coming to this page tonight was to say Goodnight. I've said this before but maybe I'll follow through this time. Maybe I'll begin this again when the situation becomes relevant. Maybe come January I'll know what to do.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Old Soul Song
My mind feels sick to its stomach. Coffee would round out this feeling nicely-- if I had a few cups to go along with it, I'd be agitated. As it is, though, I'm just bummed out.
Megan keeps trying to talk to me about the future when I can barely hand the present. My once-balding car now has a comb-over and the breaks seem to be braking in the way that's counter-productive toward the end of stopping my going.
I was incredibly drunk the other night. I know this because an incoming call from an ex-girlfriend seemed like a great idea. I now know this was not a great idea because of what she said; she said the exact same thing Casey said to me via text message a mere half hour before: "Come back to Chicago." It's kind of funny how the same sentiments can produce wildly different feelings when they're voiced by two completely different people. Everything that looked promising back home now looks bleak and it's one of the worst feelings I've ever known. See, prior to that telephone conversation I filed Chicago in my folder of hopes and dreams, but now it seems to have found it's way into the "reality" pile. I suppose this is only the case because this ex-girlfriend talks to/hangs out with my mom, and even takes little Hank to Bears games. I guess I just can't imagine any scenario in which I would associate with the members of the family of someone who broke up with me.
A few years ago, for my birthday, Hank bought me this book I wanted. I had wanted it since 8th grade and I still want it now, though I've yet to read it. I do this with records all the time, too. And movies. Sometimes I want something that I know I'll get to them eventually. This is the same mindset that makes it hard for me to burn bridges. I know now that my first two real girlfriends are things of the past. I wasn't sure about that when I was 19. But maybe this ex-girlfriend and I will ripen a little more and then we'll find our way back to one another. Or maybe not. Maybe she'll be like the girl in that Richard Gere movie (that I may have just made up) that is in attendance with a melancholic look on her face while he's wedding some other girl. Maybe I'm just a self-centered, presumptuous case that should be exiled from the ones I once loved.
That's what I had in mind in coming out to Denver: exile. But the readiness which some people have in making the flight or drive out here is astounding. I can't say I don't appreciate it because I do, more than anything. It's one of the most flattering gestures for someone to spend that kind of time and money to be in my company. But it's also unexpected.
My mind is rambling. I now feel that I should delve into the personality trait I have that refuses to make the initial effort in beginning a friendship. Maybe it's an under/undeveloped skill or maybe it's rooted in stubbornness-- I can't quite say for sure. Brendan Kelly wrote an entry about how he used to admire the guy at the bar who could sit by himself and not feel the need to make conversation with people. That's me. Quite literally, I'm the guy at the bar who sits on a stool and stares into his beer, or occasionally examines the selection of liquors, or maybe watches a minute of a muted highlight of an earlier baseball game.
Oh! Here's what it might be: I've had some regrettable friendships. That sounds horrible but here's what I mean: when I first started high school I kept an open mind and kind of looked for people who would consider hanging out with me. I found one, this kid Armand, and we soon started getting lunch together every day. Well, it wasn't soon before I realized that I was, in a very real sense, using this kid. I mean, I didn't really like him. He wasn't a bad dude or anything, but I don't have the kind of personality that's meant to be friends with absolutely every person I can kind of stand. So I was using this kid because I had nothing better going for me and it didn't take long to cut all ties once I did find some people genuinely enjoyed eating lunch with. That's a pretty shitty thing to do. If I were Armand I would probably be offended. Or I'd feel used. Or maybe that's just how capitalism works-- go with the person who offers the better product at the lower rate. These new friends offered genuine fun and didn't charge any irritable feelings. So that's what I'm trying to avoid. I'd rather find the right crowd instead of settling on one and eventually upgrading. But maybe that's not a horrible thing to do-- Luke hung out with us for a while, now he doesn't. He probably found his niche elsewhere. Am I trying to take a shortcut around any hard feelings that arise? If so, I'd have to brand myself a coward. Huh.
Megan keeps trying to talk to me about the future when I can barely hand the present. My once-balding car now has a comb-over and the breaks seem to be braking in the way that's counter-productive toward the end of stopping my going.
I was incredibly drunk the other night. I know this because an incoming call from an ex-girlfriend seemed like a great idea. I now know this was not a great idea because of what she said; she said the exact same thing Casey said to me via text message a mere half hour before: "Come back to Chicago." It's kind of funny how the same sentiments can produce wildly different feelings when they're voiced by two completely different people. Everything that looked promising back home now looks bleak and it's one of the worst feelings I've ever known. See, prior to that telephone conversation I filed Chicago in my folder of hopes and dreams, but now it seems to have found it's way into the "reality" pile. I suppose this is only the case because this ex-girlfriend talks to/hangs out with my mom, and even takes little Hank to Bears games. I guess I just can't imagine any scenario in which I would associate with the members of the family of someone who broke up with me.
A few years ago, for my birthday, Hank bought me this book I wanted. I had wanted it since 8th grade and I still want it now, though I've yet to read it. I do this with records all the time, too. And movies. Sometimes I want something that I know I'll get to them eventually. This is the same mindset that makes it hard for me to burn bridges. I know now that my first two real girlfriends are things of the past. I wasn't sure about that when I was 19. But maybe this ex-girlfriend and I will ripen a little more and then we'll find our way back to one another. Or maybe not. Maybe she'll be like the girl in that Richard Gere movie (that I may have just made up) that is in attendance with a melancholic look on her face while he's wedding some other girl. Maybe I'm just a self-centered, presumptuous case that should be exiled from the ones I once loved.
That's what I had in mind in coming out to Denver: exile. But the readiness which some people have in making the flight or drive out here is astounding. I can't say I don't appreciate it because I do, more than anything. It's one of the most flattering gestures for someone to spend that kind of time and money to be in my company. But it's also unexpected.
My mind is rambling. I now feel that I should delve into the personality trait I have that refuses to make the initial effort in beginning a friendship. Maybe it's an under/undeveloped skill or maybe it's rooted in stubbornness-- I can't quite say for sure. Brendan Kelly wrote an entry about how he used to admire the guy at the bar who could sit by himself and not feel the need to make conversation with people. That's me. Quite literally, I'm the guy at the bar who sits on a stool and stares into his beer, or occasionally examines the selection of liquors, or maybe watches a minute of a muted highlight of an earlier baseball game.
Oh! Here's what it might be: I've had some regrettable friendships. That sounds horrible but here's what I mean: when I first started high school I kept an open mind and kind of looked for people who would consider hanging out with me. I found one, this kid Armand, and we soon started getting lunch together every day. Well, it wasn't soon before I realized that I was, in a very real sense, using this kid. I mean, I didn't really like him. He wasn't a bad dude or anything, but I don't have the kind of personality that's meant to be friends with absolutely every person I can kind of stand. So I was using this kid because I had nothing better going for me and it didn't take long to cut all ties once I did find some people genuinely enjoyed eating lunch with. That's a pretty shitty thing to do. If I were Armand I would probably be offended. Or I'd feel used. Or maybe that's just how capitalism works-- go with the person who offers the better product at the lower rate. These new friends offered genuine fun and didn't charge any irritable feelings. So that's what I'm trying to avoid. I'd rather find the right crowd instead of settling on one and eventually upgrading. But maybe that's not a horrible thing to do-- Luke hung out with us for a while, now he doesn't. He probably found his niche elsewhere. Am I trying to take a shortcut around any hard feelings that arise? If so, I'd have to brand myself a coward. Huh.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Exiles Among Us
Listen: I really like talking to you,
even though I rarely know what to say.
So I just end up asking about your day.
It'd be so much easier if I was right there with you.
But like a chump I'm 1,000 miles away.
See, Darling, I could be your one
if you'd just wait for me.
See, Darling, I'm damning us into oblivion
or reality.
I think you could fit me like a shady hat on a sunny day.
I try to look ahead
but it's like i'm looking in a mirror
to a past that'll never happen
and all my friends are there.
I found a clearing in the mountains
all covered in snow
that felt far below my lowest low.
I saw some guy drop his pants in some big, open first floor window
and he just didn't give a fuck.
you remember jeffrey, don't you?
he's at the bottom of lake emerson
in a pair of cement boots.
like it didn't have to be that way,
like we could've done something
could'a forced him to stay.
When I was 18 some guy told me to take what I can get on a first date, but if she goes to far then know it's just play.
When I was 19 I knew a girl who always smelled like a bar of soap and a fresh cigarette, and she said, "your regrets can all go to hell," and I haven't looked back since.
When I was 23 my old man told me that I can do whatever I want so long as I don't mind where it lands me.
c'mon cat, you're making me nocturnal
you're making my struggle eternal
'cause i can't sleep during the day
with that sun just soaking my face.
last summer,
with the bender to end all benders
but i'm still here
and it's december.
even though I rarely know what to say.
So I just end up asking about your day.
It'd be so much easier if I was right there with you.
But like a chump I'm 1,000 miles away.
See, Darling, I could be your one
if you'd just wait for me.
See, Darling, I'm damning us into oblivion
or reality.
I think you could fit me like a shady hat on a sunny day.
I try to look ahead
but it's like i'm looking in a mirror
to a past that'll never happen
and all my friends are there.
I found a clearing in the mountains
all covered in snow
that felt far below my lowest low.
I saw some guy drop his pants in some big, open first floor window
and he just didn't give a fuck.
you remember jeffrey, don't you?
he's at the bottom of lake emerson
in a pair of cement boots.
like it didn't have to be that way,
like we could've done something
could'a forced him to stay.
When I was 18 some guy told me to take what I can get on a first date, but if she goes to far then know it's just play.
When I was 19 I knew a girl who always smelled like a bar of soap and a fresh cigarette, and she said, "your regrets can all go to hell," and I haven't looked back since.
When I was 23 my old man told me that I can do whatever I want so long as I don't mind where it lands me.
c'mon cat, you're making me nocturnal
you're making my struggle eternal
'cause i can't sleep during the day
with that sun just soaking my face.
last summer,
with the bender to end all benders
but i'm still here
and it's december.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Dead Cats Hanging From Poles
This apartment is shitty in a very literal way-- there are three cats, two humans, and one dog; the fecal stench is nearly overwhelming.
Fuck it. I'll have to battle their nocturnal tendencies. I don't have much of a choice due to my tendencies towards sleeping on a nightly basis.
Fuck it. I'll have to battle their nocturnal tendencies. I don't have much of a choice due to my tendencies towards sleeping on a nightly basis.
We're Drinkers By Day and Bastards By Dawn
it's hard to see an empty plate
and see something funny
but i just can't eat my soul
to fill my belly
it's always your old man for why you smoke cigarettes
and it's always your old man for why you drink beer,
and it's always your old man for why don't don't give a shit
yeah, "my old man..." is all that I hear.
and see something funny
but i just can't eat my soul
to fill my belly
it's always your old man for why you smoke cigarettes
and it's always your old man for why you drink beer,
and it's always your old man for why don't don't give a shit
yeah, "my old man..." is all that I hear.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
(ignore)
well i'm skipping town again
ran away from all my friends
sleeping on some bedroom floor
of some girl i've never met before
1,000 miles of road
with the kills on the stereo
'cause i'm tempted to go back home
16 hours to chicago
didn't come to turn around
or to put some fucking frown
on the front of my face
but i just can't stand this place.
it was supposed to be
just a quiet night out
and it was
'til the bar got loud
you started kicking, and screaming, and flailing around
and you got choked out. yeah you got kicked out.
no, i don't want to live here anymore
with that hole in the middle of your door
and wood shavings all over the floor
ran away from all my friends
sleeping on some bedroom floor
of some girl i've never met before
1,000 miles of road
with the kills on the stereo
'cause i'm tempted to go back home
16 hours to chicago
didn't come to turn around
or to put some fucking frown
on the front of my face
but i just can't stand this place.
it was supposed to be
just a quiet night out
and it was
'til the bar got loud
you started kicking, and screaming, and flailing around
and you got choked out. yeah you got kicked out.
no, i don't want to live here anymore
with that hole in the middle of your door
and wood shavings all over the floor
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Behold the Hurricane.
Sorry to wake you, Stella, but I'm having a kind of crisis. It's 1:30 Mountain time and I'm sitting two stories above the ground, which is itself about one mile above sea level, but my heart is about one thousand miles east. It's in Chicago, of course, but a block and a half north of an intersection that I never would have guessed had I been asked one week ago.
I was more than ready to go-- my friends and family had plenty of notice and, emotionally, the ties were essentially severed. And then-- hey, remember that girl I was really into for a few weeks in April? Well, I got in touch with her, told her I was moving, and made plans to grab a drink. I showed up alone and she brought her friend. That's where the trouble begins, of course. The night was spontaneous and drunken and fun and I, without meaning to, slept over at her friend's house. We were much better acquainted by the time we awoke and I was really excited to see if the preliminary plans we made would hold their ground.
Those plans held true and, though the night started off a bit slow as I dragged my feet through a sandwich and a rough first few shots, the night is etched in my mind as quite possibly my best of all time. It was sad saying goodbye to all my friends and I was so happy that everybody I truly care about actually came out (sans Juan). And it was a little awkward because I see friends like Emma and Dez as really, really great but they were strangers to my older friends. But then I stepped out for a cigarette with this girl who has been occupying a very large portion of my mind since I met her last Wednesday evening, and I kissed her and she kissed me back. And then we were normal again and everything made sense and I was leaving the next day but that was just a fact that didn't seem to have any bearing on our comfort level.
We fell asleep listening to our favorite band, to whom we have commemorated their insignia by way of identical tattoos on our respective bodies. And when we awoke she quit her job to stay in bed for an extra hour, and she drove me to meet my friend and I can still feel that last kiss even though I must have tasted like sleep and cigarettes and stale beer.
And herein lies the dilemma: what am I doing with my life? She said she'd come to visit me in October, which couldn't come soon enough. So what do I do? I'm tempted to drive back to Chicago in two weeks just to say hello. Or maybe I could move to St. Louis and feel closer while not failing on this venture away from home. I suppose this is very premature and I should actively try to ignore this situation. I don't know. If there's someone pulling the strings above the residents of this world then that someone is quite an asshole. She was at nearly every show I went to since freshman year of high school.
I was more than ready to go-- my friends and family had plenty of notice and, emotionally, the ties were essentially severed. And then-- hey, remember that girl I was really into for a few weeks in April? Well, I got in touch with her, told her I was moving, and made plans to grab a drink. I showed up alone and she brought her friend. That's where the trouble begins, of course. The night was spontaneous and drunken and fun and I, without meaning to, slept over at her friend's house. We were much better acquainted by the time we awoke and I was really excited to see if the preliminary plans we made would hold their ground.
Those plans held true and, though the night started off a bit slow as I dragged my feet through a sandwich and a rough first few shots, the night is etched in my mind as quite possibly my best of all time. It was sad saying goodbye to all my friends and I was so happy that everybody I truly care about actually came out (sans Juan). And it was a little awkward because I see friends like Emma and Dez as really, really great but they were strangers to my older friends. But then I stepped out for a cigarette with this girl who has been occupying a very large portion of my mind since I met her last Wednesday evening, and I kissed her and she kissed me back. And then we were normal again and everything made sense and I was leaving the next day but that was just a fact that didn't seem to have any bearing on our comfort level.
We fell asleep listening to our favorite band, to whom we have commemorated their insignia by way of identical tattoos on our respective bodies. And when we awoke she quit her job to stay in bed for an extra hour, and she drove me to meet my friend and I can still feel that last kiss even though I must have tasted like sleep and cigarettes and stale beer.
And herein lies the dilemma: what am I doing with my life? She said she'd come to visit me in October, which couldn't come soon enough. So what do I do? I'm tempted to drive back to Chicago in two weeks just to say hello. Or maybe I could move to St. Louis and feel closer while not failing on this venture away from home. I suppose this is very premature and I should actively try to ignore this situation. I don't know. If there's someone pulling the strings above the residents of this world then that someone is quite an asshole. She was at nearly every show I went to since freshman year of high school.
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