Having made my rounds of the internet, along with having just begun a book of essays that doesn't seem too appealing, I figure I'm best off jotting down some notes.
Maybe it's the change in the breeze, or it could be the sense that I'm beginning to lose me, but something is insisting that I recalibrate my life. School has become such a burden that I often opt out of studying in favor of doing the dishes or washing my clothes. I've been smoking more cigarettes in the past few weeks than has been normal over the past few months. I haven't read a good book in over a month, when I finished Brigid Pasulka's A Long, Long Time Ago and Essentially True. Aaron suggested we throw a party in our somewhat new apartment and I could only think of a few people to invite. I'm often late to school and work and it's difficult getting out of bed every morning.
My initial response is to question my girlfriend. Not her, but me with her. See, I can divide my everyday life over a few things: school, work, girlfriend, family. School is necessary, I've heard; work is necessary, I know; family is important; girlfriend? My mom was taken aback when I told her that we hang out almost every night (though this has not been the case lately because I'm beginning to boil over).
I broke up with Mindy six years ago for these very reasons. Despite the various relapses, I think it was a good time for it to end.
But if I cut these ties now, then what? My schedule would be less hectic, for one. Well, that's not entirely fair. I'd have more time to myself? Yeah. As opposed to very little. I wouldn't have to feel guilty about waking up grumpy, or for being generally grumpy. I'd get full authority over my life, which means I can say when I stay in and when I go out (always a plus), I could hibernate to abate this financial crisis I have put myself in, and I would only have to worry about keeping myself happy (which is remarkably easier). Cigarettes could be smoked with an easy conscience, and my schedule could go back to normal (which is spontaneous). Oh, and maybe I could go for an entire day without hearing the words "marriage," "children," and "future."
On the downside, I'd have to fall asleep and wake up alone on those cold winter nights, I might not always have someone to talk to, and I'd have one less person worrying about me (for better or worse... which might as well go in the "neutral" section).
I don't know. There's a lot of talk about freedom these days, and how various political ideologies are conniving to take it away while we're not looking. None of that is relevant to my current thought-process, except that the idea sneaked across the front of my brain and that, if anyone is stealing anyone else's freedom, I'm stealing my own. As a teenager, my idea of freedom was smoking cigarettes in my room and drinking beer without guff from my mom. I wanted to stay up late into the night without being told to go to bed, and I wanted to have friends over whenever I pleased. What happened, though, is that my friends went off to college and suddenly I was alone. At some point, I had heard, people mature and drop their bad habits and settle down-- often after they've learned first-hand why it isn't a good idea to smoke in their rooms or drink beer when they please.
Don't get me wrong! Before I go on, I haven't completely stunted my own growth. I know why I should drink four cans of Pepsi a day, and I know that it sucks facing a full day of school and work on three hours of sleep... I just haven't, I don't know. At this point, I'd be devolving, and not naturally progressing-- but that doesn't mean I should suddenly take all this future-marriage-children talk seriously, right? Of course not. That'd be like deciding to cut my legs off because I can't be the fastest runner in the world. Poor comparison, but whatever.
All these thoughts of what's wrong with my life stem from this burnt-out feeling I have. I don't feel too bad about it, considering I work about 30 hours a week, I go to school twice a week (until last week it was four times a week, but I've decided to drop my third out of four classes), and I bike anywhere from 5 to 15 miles a day (when I don't ride my motorcycle). Other causes of stress are financial (I bought too many records and charged too many organic groceries) but that's getting better (I sold the Cadillac).
The worst is over, though. My back bike tire won't get stolen again, and I won't get robbed again [under the same circumstances]. I won't recklessly spend money on things I don't need (I'm getting good at that: I often don't need dinner). I'm proving to myself that, when it's absolutely necessary, I can adapt.
For the time being, I plan on exercising a few freedoms. For instance, I don't feel like going to school next semester.
On a lighter note, I finally washed my pants. They feel fine, I guess, but not as homely. They're just a pair of pants, now, as opposed to my pair of pants.
This weekend is Champaign and Urbana and crappy Halloween costumes enhanced by Bulleit Bourbon. Godspeed.
No comments:
Post a Comment