It seems I've fucked my head on backwards quite substantially this time.
Huh.
But let's take a minute and sort through some of the positive aspects of this character I've been developing since I first gained consciousness some 21 years ago:
-I maintain a healthy diet, more or less. Sure, lately my nights have ended after a cream soda or two (I just cracked my second can of the night) and four or five cigarettes.
-My smoking is down because I've trained my body not to expect one during an eight hour shift at work.
-I drink one cup of coffee (16 ounces) per day, always on my way to work.
-Every morning I eat breakfast and approximately every other morning begins with a little workout routine that, though not building muscle, maintains the muscle I have and prevents them from going soft.
-Though I feel I could be reading more, I've finished a couple of books since moving out here and I'm in the middle of three more (one of which was started in Chicago and I haven't picked it up since... maybe that one shouldn't be counted).
-With the exception of the past few days, I've arrived at work on time. With no exception, I've done my job to the best of my ability and have always kept open to constructive criticism.
-I've been making successful attempts to socialize with the friends I have out here. Only a fraction of our time is spent in bars and lots of good (but not particularly great, if I'm going to nit-pick) conversation has come of it.
What most of this boils down to is that I'm physically healthy. Let's refer to Maslow's pyramid:
Bottom Layer:
(x) breathing - sure, the smoking and the thin air make it a little more difficult, but I think I've got it down.
(x) food - I'm pretty pampered in this regard, as I tend to drink Kombucha featuring chia seeds with lunch every day. I eat lots of fruits and vegetables, take a multi-vitamin, and have at least three meals per day.
(x) water - I carry a water bottle in my bag and usually have to refill it every morning.
() sex - this one doesn't warrant an x because I don't have a girlfriend and promiscuity has always seemed kind of dirty to me.
(x) sleep - I get 6-8 hours a night, which I think is the recommended dose (according to whoever it is that prescribes amounts of sleep to my particular age range).
(x) homeostasis - I mean, I feel healthy.
(x) excretion - a bathroom is almost always readily available.
Security of...:
(x) body - I trust my body to be stable enough not to give way any time soon.
(x) employment - I have a full-time job that I will lose if I quit.
(x) resources - Everything I need is at my disposal (except for my amp).
(>) morality - That's supposed to be half an x. I try to live off my own moral compass-- well, I do live off my own moral compass-- but the answers to dilemmas I face aren't always clear.
(x) family - Last I heard, my family is in arguably good health. More importantly (for me), though, they're still around and they always answer the phone when I call.
(x) health - check.
() property - I live in my sister's living room. The closest thing to property that I own is my car.
Love/Belonging:
(x) friendship - lots of my friends keep in touch. I'm a person who needs a good nudge occasionally, and they seem to understand that.
(x) family - I love every member of my immediate family. They all serve a different one of my needs and I always feel that I can confide in at least one of them.
(>) sexual intimacy - I don't really know where I stand on this one...
Esteem:
(x) self-esteem - this was really lacking until I started smoking weed. Or until I started drinking, maybe. Both, though, are symbolic of the core of my self-esteem: "fuck it" is a motto I've acquired to beat back my negative esteem.
(x) confidence - it's not confidence I lack, it's motivation. Why do anything? Do I want to contribute any of my efforts to a cause I'm not entirely for (be it the human race, America, whatever company I'm working for).
(x) achievement - all of my achievements are internal. I've yet to run a marathon, graduate from anything above the 8th grade, or write a song. I have gone vegan, quit smoking (numerous times), and learned how to play guitar.
(>) respect of others - I hate everybody that I don't personally know.
(x) respect by others - more or less. I'll give myself a full x because I can't think of a recent circumstance in which I was treated disrespectfully.
Self-Actualization:
(x) morality - I believe in my moral compass
(>) creativity - writing/playing music and writing are my preferred outlets, both of which could use more nurturing.
(x) spontaneity - I moved to Denver for the hell of it. I spent the night in Kansas City at the house of a girl I had met once before. I went vegan nearly overnight. My mind is sufficiently open, yet never open enough.
(>) problem solving - I'm not the most pragmatic person I've ever met, but when faced with a problem I can usually solve it.
(x) lack of prejudice - I get weird thoughts in my head all the time but they're not from my heart. It's strange. For instance, sometimes I become aware that there's one Indian guy in the coffee shop I'm in, and that everyone else is white, and how could he not be aware? But my soul is aware that race, belief, or the color of one's skin means nothing past where one is from, how they interpret the world, and what their family looks like. None of those hold much weight on a person's character and should be disregarded as inconsequential in circumstances that don't contain direct relevance.
(x) acceptance of facts - lots of facts get mangled by bias. I accept neither political nor religious facts. I know that I am alive, I need the bottom layer or Maslow's pyramid to get by, and that I owe the bank more money than I'd like to.
In conclusion, I lack sex and property, and I come up a little short on morality, sexual intimacy, respect of others, creativity, and problem solving. I suppose I have some work to do.
If all goes as planned, here's my future: school, part-time job, no rent.
Don't tell anyone, Chicago, but we may be seeing a lot more of each other come the beginning of 2012.
Now, I don't typically resolve things on New Year's Day because my hangover tends to demand a return to normalcy. Also, it makes more sense to adjust as you go. Here's my shortlist for potential improvements:
-quit smoking - it's always nice to take a break, especially when I can foresee a long span of circumstances under which it will be nearly impossible to step back.
-stop telling people what they want to hear - it's great to be able to sell yourself, but not when you're unsure of what you're getting into. I returned a phone call tonight and was told to say something that I was unsure of. I couldn't say either way so she drew her own conclusion. Maybe that's for the best.
-beat Dave in a 5k - this challenge was voiced nearly three years ago and it still hasn't happened. It's about time.
-make better use of down time at work - I haven't seen a crossword puzzle since Chicago. I don't read or write enough and my brain feels like a dead horse. People stretch and practice before they play sports of perform music-- my brain is no exception: I can't dive into a challenging book without preparing my head beforehand.
Anyways, my initial reason for coming to this page tonight was to say Goodnight. I've said this before but maybe I'll follow through this time. Maybe I'll begin this again when the situation becomes relevant. Maybe come January I'll know what to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment