Lucy and I broke up yesterday. We had been in an on-going kind of silent fight. Well, it wasn't silent when it happened-- in fact, I seem to remember it as being quite cacophonous. Regardless, after a few days of mulling over my life, it seemed an apt exit from feeling constricted and an abrupt entrance into a world of freedom from obligation (well, from one of many obligations, so that doesn't really count).
I don't know... I don't really feel better. For that matter, I don't feel much of anything. I suppose it hasn't settled in yet. I'm worried, though, about meeting someone else. I don't want to fall into being a full-time, miserable shell of a human being by the side of a girlfriend. On the other hand, it isn't always easy keeping myself from boredom when I don't have much going on. But that's a skill I've bragged about having for quite some time so I might as well develop it.
I told her I needed to be by myself, and that hanging out with her wasn't really gratifying because most of our time was spent in front of a television. I hate television. I like watching movies, and Chicago sports when there's nothing better to do, and the occasional television show, but I sit there staring at that glowing rectangle with self-loathing in the back of my mind like a complementary audience of judgmental family members.
I miss hanging out with Teela because we could sit around and talk to each other for hours, and references to pop culture were extremely sparse. And I could be myself without borrowing Jerry Seinfeld's sense of humor or Homer Simpson's faulty logic.
But a step backwards would counter everything I've prescribed for myself. I can't keep taking the easy way out. And the only person I really miss being around is myself. Eventually I'll find someone who can bring that out of me. I'll keep that person around, if I'm smart.
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