A Toast!

Boxes of files and receipts blockade the doorway to a place I can't (stay/see). And the relatives I never wanted to be now hang on my walls and stare at me. They're stuck in the 1950s like I'm stuck in today. They're stuck back in time like I'm stuck being me. Some cliches make sense, like some things never change. Some wheels never turn and no one's to blame. Certainly I'm right and the world's going crazy.

Last night was group-therapy led by Mike and featuring Sam. I don't even know how it came up, but I don't think it was my doing. I got outside of my house a little bit after 4 but Mike and I kept talking until almost 5. He's got problems, too, so he's joining the Army. I don't think I could deal with the post-traumatic stress that I'd probably acquire from time in Afghanistan or Iraq. I hope he's okay.
Anyhow, Mike told me not to be too much of an asshole just for the sake of being an asshole. This advice came after I explained that I am no exception to the general nature of human beings: I clean up my act when I want to impress a girl. Unfortunately, things get pretty bad when I devolve to my normal ways. I told him that my new goal should be to act like an asshole (which is to say I should act naturally and say what's on my mind) and see if anybody takes the bait.
I probably shouldn't be thinking these things, but maybe that's the point. I still have a girlfriend and she doesn't seem to thrilled about my new mindset. Mike said I should be having fun and telling people who don't like me when I'm acting natural to fuck off.
I got to wondering, though: why do I consider censoring myself in the first place? When I first met Mindy, we hit it off pretty well by sitting on a bench in a mall and pointing out people who resembled animals. Is my pessimism or loathing of humanity unhealthy? Is that what I'm running from? The whole positive mindset worked for a while, but in the end it's complete bullshit. Where am I now? I try to see the best in everything, and I consider myself to be pretty fucking miserable right now. I know everything isn't for the best. I know the story of Dana Reeve, and that everyone gets shit on sometimes. Am I sensationalizing the importance of my mindset? Should I just let it be and stop trying to control it? Maybe that's how people find success. When you're riding a motorcycle, you look where you want to go. It works both ways, too: if you're staring at a pothole 50 feet ahead, you'll run right over it. If you look past the turn and at your destination, you won't even have to think about turning because the bike will, in a sense, do the turning for you. Or your body will. Whatever. My point is, did Alkaline Trio become so successful and organized because Matt Skiba vented his anger and frustration into his songs, making him capable of forgetting his mind (or, not letting it become a distraction)?

So I've been frustrated and I've been trying to figure things out and get by. This has been the case since I became conscious of having choices and better circumstances. As far as I can tell, the task of "figuring oneself out" never ends. Very reassuring. So what do people do, slowly lose interest and get a real job?