Mr. Kevin Matsuo made an interesting remark on the internet the other day, something along the lines of, "I avoid introspection at all costs." Intriguing, but somehow I don't have the urge to describe its effect on me.
Last night was fun but I probably drank more than I should have. It's nearly 5 o'clock and I'm still feeling the effects, though I've a sneaky suspicion that they can be more accurately attributed to my excessive inhalation of nicotine.
I was feeling careless this morning, and enjoying the company of Earl, Moe, and Matsuo, so I smoked a few for breakfast. My brain feels like a plug that isn't securely in the socket, and it's making me very anxious to get out of town. I just want to sit in a hole and read books and pretend like I know things.
There's an on-going theme in my life, and it's been with me since I first became aware that I'm a human being and not every inclination I have is necessarily a thing worthy of being acted on. So... since the age of 12 or 13, I think. Micah and I were the best of friends-- we played sports or guns or The Game Under the Building until the sun was sufficiently settled, then we'd head inside and watch the Simpsons or Saturday Night Live on Saturday nights, or maybe some funny movie we'd already seen a thousand times before, or we'd play that one baseball game on Nintendo 64. Somehow, there never seemed to be too much debate about what we'd do; everything was fun. Then, when I was about 13 and becoming very defensive (or offensive, I suppose) about the music I was into and whether or not a certain band was "cool", I decided that Micah was no longer cool because his musical palette paled in comparison to his friend Aaron's. Aaron and I started a band while Micah was out of town and, by the time he came back, there wasn't room in my life for two best friends. Things got ugly and our friendship seemed irreparable.
One day, while I was good friends with Aaron and Danny (Danny, by the way, was a friend of Zach's-- another neighborhood friend. I kind of moved past my initial friends into a second tier or a deeper realm. Huh.), I realized that I had a legitimate shot at dating an honest-to-god girl. My ego must have expanded like a balloon in a very short period of time when I realized that I wasn't doomed to the fate of dying a virgin (I tend to be ahead of myself, what that means).
I don't seem to remember my life in the correct chronology right now, so I'll catch this story up: by the time of this first girlfriend, I had somehow, somewhat repaired my friendship with Micah and we were now both at Whitney Young. Oh, and I seemed to be given a sort of choice of pursuit. The girl I didn't choose to pursue, but who seemed very interested in me for some reason, has been dating Micah since high school. Strange. Oh, she kind of showed me that life is a lot more real in reality than it is in my head. For instance, to get a girl interested in me, I didn't need some magic potion or better personality, I just had to relax and be receptive and engaging. Pretty real.
Anyways, where was I? Oh, right. Micah and I were kind of good friends again, and I was also friends with Danny and Aaron at the same time. Oh, and I was in a band with Danny and Aaron, too. This doesn't seem like it actually happened all at once but I can't think of it being any other way. Whatever. So I started dating this girl and went all in to the point that I abandoned all my friends. It was bad. They hated her.
To shorten this story, I'll just break some friendships down to the very bare of it: I've abandoned Micah, Aaron, Danny, and Teela. There's probably a few more (and the way I've handled girlfriends is strikingly similar, but that analysis is for another time), but these are all people that I have considered to be my best friends, at respective times. And then I left them with some flimsy explanation (or none, which has happened).
So I guess I'm an asshole. Huh.
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