Perpetual Motion Machine

I haven't felt quite like my self, lately, which is to say that I've felt more familiar of my old self than I have in a very long time-- it's been since freshman year of high school that I've felt so self-conscious and awkward and incapable of being close with anyone. What was my solution back then? Designer drugs, hallucinogenic drugs, "to pass the time" drugs, social drugs, alone-in-my-head drugs, boring drugs, expensive drugs, quality drugs... you know, drugs. And through that abandon and recklessness, through the tremendous highs and awful lows, I met a lot of very interesting people that I no longer talk to because I can't handle being sober around them. That's not the best explanation of my reasoning. Hm... well, I don't really hang out with my "drinking buddies" in the afternoon. Unless we're drinking, of course. It seems that most of the people I know only want to drink when we hang out. Initially I thought this was all they wanted to do, but now I think that it's the only category in their mind that I can be a part of. That's not really the person want to be, though, so I disappear to my room for extended periods of time and hang out in books that, looking back, I only half enjoyed.
Some girl who comes into the coffee shop said it's the result of poor self-image that renders me unable to concentrate in public places because I'm too focused on whether or not people are noticing me and potentially thinking I'm ridiculous (in a general way). This happens in a very mild form when I'm at the dog park with Toby. I usually sit off in some corner and do the RedEye crossword puzzle while Toby wears himself out and, while thinking of possible solutions, bask in the emanation of judging eyes stealing glances in my direction as if I'm tragically out of place.

Oh. and this occurred to me the other day: how is it that Darwinism is favoring morons with natural selection? I mean, I'm fairly bright, as are a lot of people I know. In the future for me and my friends and acquaintances, I don't see many offspring. The kids I see on the buses and trains overwhelmingly seem to be the product of incapable parents (be it high school pregnancies or bad dads that skip town). Maybe I'm missing something, but it appears that intelligence is being bred out. I'm glad I won't be around to see it.