Doin' Time

I think my computer is slowly dying. The blogs I read are all a day or two behind and I'm pretty sure I wrote something for this site the other day that isn't here. I don't know. Maybe it's in my head. I feel like a zombie, still, which is appropriate considering I'm begrudgingly going to zombie prom tonight. Well, begrudgingly in a passive aggressive way. Which is to say, only me and a select few know it's begrudgingly.
So that girl is more or less off my mind, which is good. I guess that's what it feels like to be led on. Huh. It's strange, though. I mean, I haven't seen her in nearly a week, and she still occupies a good portion of the thinking I do, but the issue just seems less pressing as my chances sink farther and farther down into the, uh, abyss. Or something. I'd still drop whatever I'm doing to go pick her up if she needed me to, or I'd ditch my present company to meet her for a beer, or I'd pretend I'm not sleeping if she wants to come over at 4 in the morning to pass out but needs me to pick her up from the train station. That's fucked, isn't it? I mean, I'm 99% certain she would do none of that for me. Hell, allowing me to pick her up at 2 in the morning from home last Friday night seemed overly generous of her.
I guess it's like that guy in San Francisco said, that after a few bad relationships you start to crave someone who puts you through hell. It's an addictive tension, I guess, and it's no more pleasant than fiending for cocaine, probably, and the payoff is definitely up to speed, for sure.
Well, sometimes.

I keep getting these little highs where everything's all right. They don't last long, so maybe what I'm really experiencing are the vast lows where everything is depressing and it doesn't matter where anything goes because every end is irrelevant and the only memory that matters is your own because nobody else can be expected to care (rightfully so) and the best you can do is hope to die alone or around people who don't irritate you too much.
I'm a lot weaker than I used to think of myself as being. Actually, I partially take that back. A lot of my perceived strengths and weaknesses are merely proclivities of which value judgments should not be placed upon. I'm not sure that makes sense on here like it does in my head. For instance, I was talking to Danny last night about various topics. Of particular importance to this paragraph, I mentioned that I couldn't have sex with someone I don't care about. I have-- and it wasn't particularly entertaining or awful-- but now I feel incapable. To some, this would be considered a strength because it's slightly more honorable to fornicate in the presence of strong emotions (this is a generalization of no particular set of moral guidelines. Whatever), and to others this would be a weakness in the same way that being biologically intolerant of gluten would suck because it would severely limit one's beer choices and, thus, make it a pain in the ass to go out and get loaded on a whim. But I don't know. I mean, to me (and, remember, this top of random banging is just an example) this whole thing is about as irrelevant as having a tree in my backyard. I mean, it's a tree, man. It's just there. It rarely serves me a particular purpose yet eradicating it from the premises would be unnecessary because it's not really in the way of anything. It's just there.
So yeah, that's that. All these things I have are just qualities and their utility or appropriateness is relative to whomever decides to judge me. So who cares? The person judging will probably stop caring almost immediately upon making the judgment. And I don't really care.
But should I care? Maybe that's my problem. It all goes back to this quote that's always been stuck in my head: "pride is nothing to be proud of." I hate it so much but I can't help but agree.