I'm kind of restless right now, which has little to do with the copious coffee drinking I've been doing today. I'm on a streak of making bad decisions-- today I bought a record and two nights ago I returned Lucy's phone call. These are two seemingly insignificant and not-necessarily-wrong things that are actually giant steps in the wrong direction (which, in this case, is backwards-- I should know better).
I still haven't told my dad about being vegan, which is another seemingly trivial detail. I know the reaction he'll have when I tell him and I'm not thrilled. He'll say something about the lifestyle being unhealthy, and maybe he'll feel the need to justify his dietary choices. I'll respond by telling him that there's plenty of protein and iron that doesn't come from meat, but he won't be convinced. So I'll ask him where he thinks animals get their vitamins and minerals and nutrients from, and he'll take this as an affront or a cheap shot and he'll sit there quietly, as if I've said something terribly offensive. And I could tell my brothers, but their retorts would be on par with racism-- irrational and invalid. John might understand, Hank probably wouldn't care but might make fun of me (which is to be expected), but Will would probably start some rant about PETA people being fucking nuts.
I'm pretty sick of dealing with people right now. It's not a good thing. Here's why:
when it becomes overbearing to explain my self to the people I like to hang out with, then I isolate myself. Aaron gave me a talking to about this because it's not fair to, y'know, casual friends. Well, not casual friends. Friends in general, I suppose. But is it my fault that I don't always want to go out drinking, and that my imagination is sorely deprived of input so I have no better ideas, so I assume that it's "go drinking with friends" versus "stay home and don't answer the phone"? So, when I perceive my only option to be "go to a bar," then I'm limited by two things: my desire to smoke, and the weight of my wallet. Currently, I have no desire to smoke (but that's a feeling I tend to ignore when I'm drinking, only to regret it for the following three days that it takes me to recover my head back onto my shoulders), and I don't exactly have money to burn on $5 beers.
So that's how it happens, and I stop responding to people instead of explaining them, because in my head I decide that they'll be irritated by my excuse instead of understanding and deciding that it'd be fun to do something else.
I suppose the answer is to stop making decisions for other people and let them decide for themselves whether or not they want to put up with me.
Here's a little to-do list before I move to Denver (more of a list of events): Murder By Death at Wicker Park Fest, William Elliott Whitmore at Lincoln Hall, Alkaline Trio at the Metro, Bouncing Souls/The Falcon at Reggie's, Against Me! at the Metro, Ted Leo at Millennium Park. Sounds like a good summer, huh? And a perfect send-off. Oh, not to mention Boston on August 6th, and maybe New York on July 4th.
Speaking of Denver, I have to tell Jimi and Liam. That'll be awkward. I mean, I really don't see this band going anywhere. Each practice has gotten progressively more boring and the quality of the music is... well, it's also boring. And I'm losing interest in punk rock because it's just entertainment. I still listen to the Cobra Skulls entire discography every single day as I bike around or while I'm on the train, and the Broadways are still fun-- these bands are cool because there's a message more than Less Than Jake's "I wanna sit back, just smoke cigarettes, be the one with the loudest mouth, and be the most close-minded," or Alkaline Trio's "you said tonight was a wonderful night to die." But listening to bands like the Cobra Skulls and the Broadways is even more disheartening. I mean, these bands have a real message, whether it's "faith is a cult" or "see this park? 3,000 years ago the entire world was like this and more," but these messages are in punk rock songs that won't get exposure outside of a very small group of kids that already believe these thoughts and won't be illuminated by a song by a band that's mercilessly beating the dead horse of "punk rock."
So here's how it is: "punk" isn't dead, and it never will be, because it serves the purpose of being a good starting point for teenagers to think they're on to something huge. And these kids will question society and maybe start calling people on their bullshit, all the while becoming more jaded to... life. And hopefully this will be a stepping stone and their minds will forever be open as they go off into the world to get "real" jobs, or maybe they'll bring their "punk" sentiments into the mainstream, like The Clash or, less notably but more recently, the Gaslight Anthem, or, as is usually the case, maybe they'll wear their old punk rock t-shirts when their socially acceptable clothes are in the washer or dryer, and "punk rock" will have been something they foolishly believed in during their high school days. And the latter group will have the feeling that they filled their quota for subversive thoughts back when they were young and, therefore, people who stuck with those mindsets are to be looked at with condescending eyes-- as inferiors who aren't as mature.
If it's still really hot overnight then I may go see the sunrise. I'll probably go home and eat some food, then read, then take a nap. It might be tough to wake up, though, so I might be better off staying awake until 6 or so. Oh, and my bike needs fixing. I think the brakes came undone, which was mildly terrifying. Good thing I wasn't on a major street.
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