Life is fucking hard, man. Well, no, I take that back. Not entirely, though. Life can be hard, but mine isn't particularly. "Life is tricky," is what I meant. Sometimes you have to try your hardest, and other times you have to exude some kind of I-Don't-Give-a-Damn aura-- and all for the same ends! It's hard to care when I'm in the haze of a second-wind exhaustion, yet it's hard not to care when I'm bright-eyed and bushy tailed and my endorphins are in fifth gear.
It's easy to throw in the towel when you genuinely don't care or are through with whatever it is that you were using a towel for, but it's considerably harder to pretend that giving up is by choice and not by default or defeat.
Anyways, I'm on the verge of doing something very, very drastic: staying put. Ha! Well, what Whitney posted on my wall kind of makes me feel like a deadbeat, but that's what I am, right? Here's the option I'm considering-- but wait! First, some back-story kind of details that may or may not be necessary:
-I love music. Ever since John gave me Less Than Jake's Hello Rockview when I was in 3rd grade, I was hooked. Granted, all the songs were about drinking, and I was under the impression that getting drunk was a side effect that rarely affected people, and most of the songs I was listening to were about drinking, but... meh. The point is, there was Less Than Jake and Blink 182 and all the punk/ska compilations I could get my hands on at Tower Records on Clark Street. And then there was the Lawrence Arms at the Fireside in 8th grade, and people mistaking my reaction to a severe lack of oxygen as being the effects of too much alcohol. I had a blast. Until then, I kind of assumed that people made bands, the bands either made it or didn't, and the ones that made it played giant venues and the musicians who didn't make it became teachers or deadbeats or something. The Lawrence Arms showed me that I can do it, too.
-I hate school. Don't get me wrong-- I love learning. I couldn't begin to count the amount of books I've read, or the conversations I've had with people where I've come away with good knowledge. But, for the same reason that I don't enjoy or appreciate lectures, I can't stand sitting idly by while someone tells me stuff. I need engagement, like a good conversation. Healthy discourse, y'know? I need to be able to constantly ask questions, which I don't feel comfortable doing in a classroom.
-I like to be in control. Now, I don't consider myself a "control freak," by any means. But, if something is going to be produced with my name on it, I need to be the final arbiter over what works and what doesn't. I don't think I could ever write a book or a song with anybody because that's not how I work.
-I love to write. See what I'm doing right now? I need this. Well, that's not true. I can live without writing, but it would be very dull. I can't properly express myself with a paint brush or a hammer or a camera, so I use words.
-My attention span is on the shorter side, relatively speaking. At this point in my life, I don't have it in me to write a book or a short story because I'd have a radical change of mind half way through and decide that I have a better idea that can't be incorporated into what I already have written.
So here's the decision (which isn't yet final, but it's getting there): I'm going to put my entire mind into this band. If it doesn't work out then at least I'll be that much closer with my next band. And, if it doesn't work out, then I can always move to Denver. I'm in no hurry to move, but man! am I in a hurry to leave. With a band, I can tour (ideally) without entirely picking up sticks.
Next is the decision of whether or not to go to school. If I don't go to school, I need a second job. Paying rent and eating is great, but I need to save some money for potential adventures.
Works almost over.
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