You learn something new every day, I've heard. True to that sentiment, today I learned that my friend AJ is really into the idea of Intelligent Design. I'm still speechless. My initial reaction was, "you, too!?" until I realized that he's the first living, breathing person I've ever met (over the age of 7) who seriously considers the possibility that humans and dinosaurs cohabited this planet. Wow. I mean, a conservative Republican judge, appointed by George W. Bush to occupy a seat on the bench of the Supreme Court, ruled that Intelligent Design is not science and, thus, not worthy or appropriate of being taught to grade school or high school students. I wish this was all fresh in my mind so I could make a coherent retort that would forever damn his stupid, half-thought-out version of creationism, but instead I just rambled off random lines about the iron catastrophe 5 billions years ago, and dinosaurs going extinct about 65 million years ago, and homo habilis or whomever making an appearance about 3 million years ago. This minor occurrence expanded my concept of the world immensely, just as it was expanded by experiencing the other side of the coin on the issue of eating animals.
Cheap segue, huh? So about this whole dietary change... some weird stuff's going on. Well, not really. Oh, I should mention that I kind of cheated last night, but it was out of courtesy. Aaron made a bunch of vegetarian/vegan food but he cooked one dish in milk. I ate and enjoyed it but told him it wouldn't happen again.
Anyhow, strange things that are actually quite normal. At work I was reading some guy's blog. The writer's a vegan and this particular entry was about why he made that decision and how he felt before, during and after. One thing he particularly mentioned was that he didn't experience any back pain. That's a strange thing to mention, first of all, and second of all, my back was pretty fucking sore the other night. Oddly sore, more so than I ever remember it being. I attributed the aching to having worn the bag throughout the entire RJD2 show, but that doesn't quite add up as the only heavy thing in there was my Nalgene bottle, which steadily got lighter as the night wore on. My back feels fine now but I'll have to look into that.
Secondly, the writer mentioned losing 7 pounds in the first 5 days. That's cool. I'm not looking to lose weight, but whatever. He went on to mention that his, uh, dump-cycle was irrationally out of proportion to his food intake. Me too! See, I've been eating a ton of carrots and berries, and throughout each day I'll have a banana and a bowl of cereal and a p,b, & j and a Clif bar, but nothing that necessitates three or four quality dumps in one day. Holy hell. Anyways, according to this dude, it's the accumulation of a lifetime of "dairy clog." Pretty nasty stuff, but it's nice to not be carrying that around anymore. I suppose that's why I feel more light and more nimble and generally healthier.
What else?
I'm forcing myself to care. Well, maybe not forcing. I've come, through a combination of intellect and emotion, come to decide that not caring is seriously detrimental to my health. Here's a few things that facilitate not caring:
-cigarettes
-alcohol
-weed
-conforming to the tastes of friends
-not voicing how I feel.
But all of these go back to something very liberating, which is why I started doing them in the first place: they all contribute a good, healthy dose of "fuck it" into my diet. I still need that, though, so I don't know how I'll find a balance if I haven't found one yet. That "fuck it" is a great safety net and a strange form of motivation. It's the reason I'm able to tolerate unclogging Stella's toilet, or dealing with people I don't care about. But too much of it leads me to a bar night after night, or out the door for a smoke every hour or so. I'll figure it out.
I'm in a good place right now. Almost everything I'm doing is an investment in myself. See, I've been reading a lot lately because I've found some good books on my shelf. And I'm not wrapped up in the idea of some girl being the answer to all my problems (like I was last week. My emotions overrule my mind, sometimes). And it's good to be conscious of what I'm putting into my body, and what I'm nodding and laughing with, and what I'm agreeing to, because everything I do is a vote and I don't want to scuff up my record with stupid, regrettable things. I don't want to look back and say, "I knew better. I knew I knew better. Was I really feeling to hopeless?" That's the worst kind of pathetic, I think.
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