Work is kind of boring. Last night I got 400 cigarettes. The Cobra Skulls are great. I have a bad case of tunnelvision. It's been going on for a few weeks.
So this girl I'm into, she slept over last night. It was... well, really nice. No, no. I mean, it was really nice, but that doesn't quite cut it. "Beautiful" kind of belabors the point. I don't know. But I don't see her often, so the thought occurred to me: "I have four hours to genuinely express how I feel as she (probably begrudgingly) tries to say awake." So, I did what any awkward dude would do: I kept my mouth shut. Well, I let out a few I'm-really-glad-you-came-outs and I-think-you're-really-cutes, but tried to limit those as not to, y'know, belabor the point.
It was funny: last time she slept over she complimented me on not snoring. But! I caught her snoring this morning. Thing is-- and I suppose this is a common feature amongst cute people that are being observed by people who have a crush on them-- it was the cutest snore I've ever heard. It was so slight, almost dainty (if that word can be used to describe snoring).
I've probably discussed this here before, but my whole "game" is offset by this persistent girl who's into me. As Bella said, I should just man up and tell her I'm not interested. But it's tough, right? I mean, for me it's tough. I don't like letting people down, though I guess it'd be much more of a let-down to carry on as if we're on the same page. But there's something about having a few beers that makes me really hesitant to discuss important matters.
This whole Girl A and Girl B thing is very disenchanting. Well, no, not disenchanting. Ego shattering? That's more like it. Yeah. Ego shattering. I mean, I'd like to be more forward and properly court this girl to the extent that she's willing to take it, but I don't want to put her in the uncomfortable position that I'm in.
It's not too bad, right? I mean, I've never kissed this girl who's into me, and the girl who's into me doesn't seem to mind kissing me. That's comforting. But the words "fuck having a boyfriend" have come out of both of their mouths on numerous occasions, which brings me to my next point: on paper, these girls are very similar. They both smoke cigarettes and stay up late drinking and listening to music with me. Is one's desperation versus the other's cool confidence the only distinguishing feature? Well, maybe "desperation" isn't a fair word. "Persistence" works, though. Well, and one's noticeably cuter than the other.
I'm just perplexed at how my inability to tell this girl that I'm not interested is directly effecting my judgment and self-awareness. I really don't want to be that guy.
Here's a to-do list for tonight. Hopefully it will be carried out, but that's all on me. Duh.

-set things straight with Em and stop vilifying her.
-limit myself to two beers with Em.
-walk Em home and leave under the pretense that I'm heading to my mom's house to eat left-overs and sleep there in order to be on time for brunch in the morning (this one is completely fabricated, aside from the bold part).
-meet up with Bella -or- go home and practice guitar (I'm auditioning for a shitty punk band on Tuesday. Hopefully I'm good enough with power chords and bad lyrics).
-eat something. This one should go without saying, but coffee and cigarettes bestow on me the need to coordinate things to eat so as to avoid withering away.

I feel like hell. Work is boring because the stream of customers is weak. That's so say, every 20 minutes or so, someone will come in and buy a cup of coffee. This requires no skill and inspires no motivation to get stuff done.

Life is so boring
when you feel really smart
like the learning is over
'cause you mastered all the arts

but you make me feel stupid
so beautifully useless
like life is so full
of possible choices