Not only am I still hurting, but now I feel like a broken record. As cliche as that is, I don't currently possess the mental capacity to piece together a fresh metaphor.
Last night was Zombie Prom. Some of the costumes were really cool and I felt some semblance of belonging (always a good feeling). Most of the night, though, I had this feeling that I really wanted to be somewhere else. I'm not quite sure why, but I have three guesses:
-I kind of miss seeing that one girl, and when I fall it's hard to get my mind into the particular moment I'm standing in. Lame, huh.
-My ego has developed in a strange kind of way where, as I get older, I find a particular comfort being in my usual skin. This is good in the sense that my perceived identity crisis that's been going on my entire life is, well, merely perceived. This is bad because it doesn't easily lend my personality to change.
-Maybe I'm just not comfortable with fake blood leaking into my mouth.
Oh, and this isn't really on topic, but that's okay because I don't think I'm on one certain topic, anyways: I had a realization the other day. Maybe it was this morning, actually. I don't quite remember. But here goes:
No matter what I do, it's kind of going to suck. Ha! That sounds terrible. It's true, though. If I'm in a really successful band or I write a book that sells tremendously well, or if I lose my job and start working at Dunkin' Donuts again, it'll all be the same. Essentially, there'll be good days and there'll be bad days. Sometimes my mood will randomly swing into the gutter, and sometimes it might make a tremendous upswing for no apparent reason. So, that being a known, I might as well trudge through the bad days and keep doing what I know I'll want to be doing on the good days. Life is really short, but it's also really fucking long.
So, epiphanies aside, I think it's about time to take another vacation from cigarettes. Oh, and I'm casually becoming a vegetarian, I think. These two things just make sense, kind of. Well, maybe not the vegetarian one, but let's see:
-Smoking is an obvious one. I always start smoking because it makes me feel free. It reinforces the mindset that I can do whatever I want and fuck overly judgmental people who offer me slogans and give me dirty looks. On the downside, my lungs feel like they're half the size as they were a few weeks ago.
-Concerning food, I read an article called Consider the Lobster. It was about the popular lobster fest in Maine, and delved into whether or not it's ethical to boil a living creature. Obviously, that got me thinking. Since then, the closest I've come to blatantly eating an animal has been a few eggs (which I had bought prior to the article). I don't think I have it in me to go vegan, but when I was a vegetarian for six months a few years ago, I felt great. I never felt bloated and my organs felt like they were functioning properly. It's also fun to have limited options to eat... the whole "paradox of choice" thing, I guess.
Cobra Skulls are on my mind. There's probably a gourd-sized ball of phlegm in my chest.
Wow. This guy who always passes through and orders a medium latte with three or four shots just tipped me $15. Time to pay it forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment